To the dear friends who have encouraged me to continue to write, drop me a comment or msg so that I can let you know the whereabouts =)

"大家。。。 你们都说对了。 我的确变瘦了。哭掉几公升的泪，不变瘦还是人吗？“

When we say things like “people don’t change” it drives scientist crazy because change is literally the only constant in all of science. Energy. Matter. It’s always changing, morphing, merging, growing, dying. It’s the way people try not to change that’s unnatural. The way we cling to what things were instead of letting things be what they are. The way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones. The way we insist on believing despite every scientific indication that anything in this lifetime is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience change that’s up to us. It can feel like death or it can feel like a second chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips, go with it, it can feel like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment we can have another chance at life. Like at any moment, we can be born all over again.
— Grey’s Anatomy

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It is with a heavy heart that I've decided to do this.

I've been writing here for a long time. Been 10 years I think, and I feel it is time.

There are many things that I wrote here that are absolutely angry, spiteful and unfair ... and I feel disgusted.

For my betterment and change, I've decided not to pen down anything here anymore.

Goodbye.

等我 。。。

No time = Lack of entries. A few points I want to share ...

Work has became a huge part of my life. Been waking up at 6am in order to reach at 645 for me to “host some VIPs”, and to be honest, I may be a little burnt out. This weekend has been much appreciated.

For the friends who I see during weekdays, please endure and tolerate my crankiness and my lameness. =/ It's my outlet of release and my way to retain that bit of humour in myself. I apologise in advance =x

I have decided to extend my self-reflection journey. Primarily because I feel I need more time ... to find out and ask myself more questions.

等我。

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"They would also be puzzled and upset that I was happy to work serving coffee and finding such pleasure and friendship with people they would hardly notice. They would be surprised that Crystal and her Partners had become such good friends for me.

My mother and father would be very uncomfortable with what to them would have been a shocking truth: I was satisfied with my simple life. I could not live to make my parents happy anymore.

I could not deny the feeling of a growing happiness in my heart. This new, quiet, inner happiness kept catching me unawares in the midst of a rush of serving a big line at Starbucks. I also felt my happiness blossom in a kind of warmth in my heart in the nurturing silences and my lack of any real social life. No more fancy parties. I knew my parents would have wanted me to continue to join in with their view of a wonderful life in a perfect world lived at the highest reaches of the arts and society.

I no longer had the energy or the will for it.

Thanks to Crystal and Starbucks, I no longer needed it."
-Michael Gill

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For all that I thought I was, today showed me how much I am not.

Yes they did say that if we are working there, we are the top 10% of the applicants and that means something. But honestly, it doesn't matter if we don't make it count.

Today's happenings brought upon me a stark realisation of reality, of me, of work, of stress, of expectations, and of responsibility. I was brought down to my knees if I am allowed to exaggerate, but it was seriously stressful. To be fair, it wasn't external, but mostly internal.

Surprisingly, my sources of motivation have always been mostly external, and argh okay i am too tired to think about any way i could possibly link them.

So what happened today was, i was just simply sitting on my desk and then suddenly, i was hit with this wave of extreme fatigue. There were so many things to remember, so many never-ending tasks, so many places to run to, so many things to check, and yet i felt so stupid, so cognitively-incapable.

I felt i wasn't worthy of the 'recognition' (if any) these people were having of me, and i just felt the expectations growing bigger and bigger each day. I know i shouldn't be so harsh on myself, but i cannot put away the fact that they have so much faith, hope and trust in me to do a good job, yet it's the 5th day already and i am not progressing quickly enough. I can't help but feel responsible for the work i produce because this has always been my nature, and yet, today. was. tough.

There was one point when i suddenly realized i was staring at my screen, not looking at anything in particular, and just zoning out. My mind wasn't at anything either and there were still more slides to complete and more things to double-check, and J was turning around to teach me more stuff, and my phone vibrated, and i suddenly remembered i need to remind someone of something then i remembered i need to call my dentist because my tooth hurts and i looked at the time and it's 4pm already.

I turned to look at F and he was in his usual focused mode and i knew i got to match up and then J finished talking and i checked my phone to realize a really not important sms and i got irritated and then i got tired with feeling tired and then it all hit me.

That was exactly how she felt.

This job(or rather passion/career as DP & LK refused to let us see it as just a job) means so darn much to me. Without it, I am literally nothing. I will always feel the need to perform, to match up to my supervisor's expectations and to show them that having me in the team means i'm a plus and not a minus. I'll always step into the office knowing that i can sit at my desk because certain people place that much of faith and hope that i would be the most excellent person for this role. I'll always look at LK and see her as my benefactor and will always feel indebted.

Yet, today ... i thought .. ok nvm.

But if let's say a friend, or someone, constantly cannot understand how much this career means to me now, its very likely we won't hang out much. If this someone constantly questions my commitment to my career, in addition to the stress i felt today, and probably every single day, i will hate him. If this someone cannot even show me the care and concern about the amount of pressure i am getting and self-inflicted from just facing 40 emails everyday, how can i even put in my best at work? How can i even be friends with this person?

I stepped out for a breather. And my eyes hurt. And my heart pained suddenly because I finally realized all the nonsense i had been giving her. I needed to rest, but i knew i can't ... and then i remembered i always told her "There's always a choice." Ya there probably is, but to many other things, there ain't no choice.

I walked around, checking what i needed to, and it struck me that i got to be much stronger than this. Today's emotions and fatigue were uncalled for. Where was my smile that i had since i started? And my vibrancy and enthusiasm? Where was that optimistic me who showed them I always face new challenges head-on? But yet the fact is there are still so many things i don't know of. There was the fact that at the back of my mind, i should have came up with a much better system to learn things from J. I have only myself to blame when I don't remember things or when i have to turn to J to re-check with him. And i felt utterly lousy.

And when i walked back to my desk, i suddenly felt i couldn't talk to or entertain anyone on msn. I felt the need to just hide.

Perhaps because it's the 4th. Or maybe because I have to wake up at 6am for many more days and I am beginning to doubt myself.

Dude, seriously you ain't that great. Wake up your idea.

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A few paragraphs from "How Starbucks Saved My Life" by Michael Gill

I was suddenly very worried. After finding out about the health benefits that Starbucks offered, I really wanted this job. Was Crystal going to be another young woman like Linda White who would end up cutting off my balls? I didn't care, so long as she hired me.

"Have you ever worked in retail?"
Her question startled me.
I tried desperately to think ... Quick, what is retail?
"Like a Wal-Mart?" she helped. I sensed, for the first time in the interview, that Crystal might have decided to be on my side. This whole thing had started as a joke or a dare with her, but maybe, just maybe, she had come to see me as a person who really needed some help.

It suddenly struck me how much a life of entitlement had protected me from the reality everyone else knew so well. Maybe Crystal could help me get a grip, yet I could not even grab the saving rope she had tossed me in this job interview: I had never even been inside a Wal-Mart.
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When a couple quarrels, the guy on many occasions will take a 'time out' to sort out his own thoughts and emotions. And it's not only a few, but most guys are like that.

However what I've learnt is that, yes we deal with problems and issues in our own personal manner, but we cannot return after a few days 'pretending that nothing has happened'. Even though we have sorted whatever issues there were on our own, and we did our own closures, we still and we must provide the closures for our female half and to deal with this issue TOGETHER. We cannot assume that our girlfriend has done any closure on her part because basically, guys and girls work differently with regards to such matters.

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Dinner with the guys tonight was wonderful. It's been awhile since we all met up and talked so much. Ok awesome almost 1230am. Less than 6 hours of sleep. Someone wake me up tmr morn pls.

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"My rejection probably meant nothing to him - New York is an unfriendly city to someone trying to use a restroom. But I learned a valuable lesson that day. My old arrogance had come back as soon as I thought I had done a great job. How sad!

The next day, Crystal didn't even mention the incident. I was to learn that Crystal didn't harbor grudges. She let you know when she didn't like something you did, the moment you did it. And she never brought it up again."
-Michael Gill

Have been feeling emotional for a bit. Perhaps with the death of Mrs LKY, the great stories that I've been reading of her, and the learning of who she REALLY was, we all realized we have lost someone great.

To be able feel like that means I can empathize, and understand. I think we mourn, but we must recognize as well, that she had led a great life, one full of purpose and character. Moreover, we must all respect that she had lived a life that was rare for an asian woman of her generation. A strong leader, a supportive wife and a loving mother.

I marvel at her ability to assimilate herself into the role of practically everything. From the calm presence to the strongly competitive nature of hers, I wonder how such a person could be like. Perhaps it is with strong regret that I didn't know her better before, and didn't have the chance to find out more about her then.

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"I also kicked myself for not listening to my daughter Laura over many years. Laura had a beautiful halo of brown hair that echoed the sparkle of her hazel eyes, and I had a picture of her now shaking her head in angry frustration as I refused to "get it." She had devoted much time to trying to introduce me to a more realistic view of the world, and because I had been so insensitive, I had failed to listen to her. Laura had a dynamic, positive energy; she laughed easily but she also had a feeling for how unfair life could be and as she grew up, she had adopted African-American causes like affirmative action. She would sit across the table from me during dinner and toss her beautiful curls in frustration as we argued. I had dismissed Laura's feelings and ideas of how to help others less fortunate as "hopelessly naive." I had been secure in my bubble of self-congratulation: convinced that my top job in advertising and my resulting affluence were my just reward for being a great, talented guy ... not simply status and success virtually given to me by birth and fortunate colour in a world ruled by "middle-aged white men of your generation," as Laura had once phrased it."
-Michael Gill, Author of How Starbucks Saved My Life

It definitely took me a long time ... 可是我现在真的开始领悟了。 I realized I've been thinking a bit about how the future would be like, with regards to whoever that comes in. And all the thoughts about how I would be like with the person and 're-live' in an entirely new manner. But I still want the person to be you.

Amidst all the busy-ness and flurry of work that I had to deal with in my first week, I had made the effort to consciously 'feel' this transition. Most of the times, I feel like "YES! This is finally beginning!" and I do feel extremely positive and excited about all that are going to happen. The 'old' me would have felt like this all the time I think, and would have been like an energizer bunny scampering all over the place trying to please everyone.

At the same time, I begin to see the 'realistic' nature of the corporate world. Whispers and lowered-tones of sensitive topics indicate the true underlying meanings of certain things, and behind the smiles, hide many other things. It's hard to fully comprehend for now, but I am learning. =)

But don't misunderstand, for I totally love what I am doing. Chris passed me his key to the room because I got to reach much earlier next week due to exams, hence I can now stay till as late as I want to finish up instead of having to be cut off halfway.

Another interesting thing is, I am interacting a lot more with "family people". These people have their own families ... spouses and children to consider apart from their work and it's an immense inspiration to hear them talk about their family members. It's like everyone is working hard at their job so that they can fulfill their dream, but ultimately those with their families, it is for those back at home. =)

In the last 2 weeks or so, I've been asking myself what kind of a lady would I marry?

Then I met her. Or rather 'them' ... at my work this week. =x

Haha .. to be honest, I am thoroughly amazed by how much my values have changed.

Anyway, she is effectively bilingual, smart, enjoys a laugh, very capable and confident, serious in her work, beautiful, and loves her children to bits.

Yes she is already married =p

I mean there are definitely much more qualities in her, but it's hard to put them in words, especially when right now I can only conjure up boring and way-too-common words.

It's the weekend. And although I like the part whereby time has 'slowed' down and I am allowed to do what I want to do, I still like my coffee somewhere, just to chill. So weird I am so into coffee now.

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"I clocked in and noticed that at 2pm, I had come within minutes of being late. I literally shuddered with the thought. Why had I wasted precious time in Grand Central contemplating the past and almost fucked up my future? I was furious with myself, and I promised that I would give myself more time next time.

Less past, more future! I kept telling myself, a kind of mantra I wanted to believe.

Anxious to prove myself, I still hesitated in going out front with the other Partners. Over two months and I had yet to handle a cash register. The thought terrified me. So I just stood there in the neutral zone of Crystal's tiny office space, hoping to be assigned more cleaning today. One more day away from those dreaded cash registers. Yet Crystal seemed barely to notice me. She was so involved with her computer.

Ever glamorous, her lustrous hair fell to her shoulders perfectly, and she wore expensive gold jewelry on each hand. I stood behind her hoping to catch her attention. Crystal had a rare ability to focus despite anyone else being in her tiny office space."
-Michael Gill

從遇見你 在一起 笑過愛過爭吵過
當初的愛究竟 都藏到哪去了...


When an organization is in a transition phase, just like a relationship in a similar phase, things get complicated and it's always tougher. I guess no one really likes changes and everyone just has to work a lot harder.

Thank goodness it didn't rain this morning until 11 plus am =) The outdoor stations and activities went on smoothly and it was just amazing looking at the students having so much fun.

As much as my psychology knowledge and textbooks can teach me with the theories and academic stuff of autism, honestly, they all don't match up. I thought I've seen plenty of different types of children at AK, but boy I am so wrong. Interacting with some of them proved to be highly challenging and at the same time, some others would never cease to stop conversations.

Today was my first time I have first-hand interaction with them and it opened my eyes to the world of autism. They are very focused upon their own thoughts and actions, and seldom have regards for what is going on around them. In a bad way, they do not care a hoot about things going on around them, yet they can be geniuses with art and design. They are clearly not stupid either, but they just perceive things differently.

Jason, who is my upperstudy, has been awesome. I have made a vow to myself that, I would not and cannot allow myself to feel lost when he leaves. These 3 months would be crucial. He is starting to hand me more and more stuff, but I really like this feeling and experience. Even though it was stressful at times, but I like to think I can thrive under these times. And if anyone is to think it's easy to run a school, trust me, it can be challenging.

Faz has been amazing too. Even though we came in on the same day, he has been doing much much more because of his job description and we are both supporting each other as much as we can. It's almost like we knew how each other would feel because we came in together.

And on top of that, LM and Linda are absolutely encouraging and supportive.

Oh and I wanted to stay behind and finish up some stuff but I don't have the keys to the room in my office =/ so I guess it's time to request for my own keys.

With that, I've promised to give everything I've got into this career. Watch me.

"So I was grateful to leave the confinement of my empty apartment and join in the animated spirit and human interaction of the holidays at my Starbucks store. Behind the register, and out in front doing my Coffee Tastings and pastry samplings, I was part of a convivial group, and the constant pain and guilt I felt in my heart at all the hurt I had caused - more intense during these "family holidays" - was partially subdued or - from time to time - forgotten entirely in the rush of activity working the frantic shifts in my store."
-Michael Gill

"My father lived in a kind of terror of losing his mind. Through his mindful, constant effort of will and talent he had been able to keep his mother's tragic death from drowning him in depression.

But he had to fight against the deep down current every day.

My father had developed his powerful version of denial of his constant pain: first through his writing, which became more and more optimistic and entertaining as he deliberately found more enjoyable subjects than the terrible truth and searing hurt of those traumatic early memories. Then he also escaped through his embrace of a larger public role as an articulate celebrity known for his ability to amuse."

-Michael Gill


Everyone faces emotional negativities every now and then in their lives. Some came upon events of large magnitude of impact, and some people never got out of it. Some people got permanently scarred, and yet never learnt. Some people learnt and then moved on. Some people never give up and just paced back and forth.

Certain people with very strong mental strength can often create very powerful images and beliefs of things in themselves. If these are positive, they are extremely beneficial. At the same time, if it's a powerful version of denial, something which i am unfamiliar with, i believe it's a double-edged sword.

One's belief of denial can be so strong that it creates an entirely new set of beliefs. Yes it can be unrealistic and idealistic, but it can also save a life. If his Dad didn't stay in that state of denial, he would probably have committed suicide. Yes he was miserable, but he was at least coping, and living.

I will take these next few weeks and months to feel and learn as much as I possibly could, and as much as possible in a neutral state of mind. Only when I am able to achieve that then I would be able to see everything around me clearly, knowing exactly what my feelings and what my thoughts meant.

It's amazing how many sub-folders I can create in my outlook account in one afternoon.

But having my own telephone line and telephone on my table makes me very happy, as though i am important HAHA =x

The staff room is majorly huge! And I love the people in my room =) Interesting fact: An older guy and an older lady sit in front of me and beside me respectively. Thing is maybe because i haven't worked in such a situation before, it's very interesting to observe when they 'interact' and the things they say =p

And work is really neverending. Because there is always room for improvements, revamps and cleaning up of old SOPs. I think i will need that coffee everyday =/

Excited about tmr Children's Day event collaboration with Dell ... things are really moving very quickly over here and we are diving right into it.

All i can say is, work has been really great and amazingly exciting. For all that had happened in the past 2 months, I am glad they have all helped me be prepared in one way or another, mentally and emotionally.

"I could not deny the feeling of a growing happiness in my heart. This new, quiet, inner happiness kept catching me unawares in the midst of a rush of serving a big line at Starbucks. I also felt my happiness blossom in a kind of warmth in my heart in the nurturing silences and my lack of any real social life."
- Michael Gill

Came online to check my work email cos boss said to look out for updates to the event 2 days later. 12 emails received already in the first day! I'm really loving this great experience and for now, I like to think I feel, breathe and live this career. =)

Need to sleep now. Apologies for no song tonight =\

"Many experienced baristas gradually asked for 'no openings' or 'no closings' or 'no weekends.' I felt that I might be able to do that eventually, but this first year I knew I would have to offer flexibility. And I still felt that way. Especially since I still didn't really know what I was doing. I felt that Starbucks was still more valuable to me that I was to Starbucks. So I gave me life completely - physically, mentally, and emotionally - and promised, verbally and in writing, that I would be available whenever they needed me." - Michael Gill (Author of How Starbucks Saved My Life)



On the way back home, I was sitting alone in the bus and had plenty of time to think. Looking out of the window and seeing the vast fields and plains, and the light blue sky, it hit me that I am just an extremely small component in the whole wide universe.

I was even smaller than a cow.

At there and then, time seemed to slow down and stop altogether. I was like floating through these things that had stopped and it became clear what are important in life and what aren't.

And movies always make me think. Rewatched He's just not into you and Letters to Juliet. Love the Jennifer Aniston and Ben Affleck story.

Did plenty of shopping today. Visited the Floriade festival. Painted a buzz lightyear gnome but I don't know what possessed me to think that his face is purple in colour.

Took plenty of shots. Will upload the photos when I get back and it would probably paint a story.

For now, time to pack up and get some sleep.

Tomorrow would be a new phase of life all over again.

Wicked the musical was awesome! Been awhile since I last watched a musical.

Managed to get gifts for a few dear friends.. even though I'm still very bad with presents, I think I like to show my appreciation to certain ppl in my life.

At B&G now. Amazing meeting all these new ppl, especially when they are all so friendly and welcoming. =) Got invited to play some poker with them .. and old habits do die hard >.<

Perhaps because in spore, I've always had the support I need there or things to do when I'm free, but over here I found much more time to think abt things. It feels like a chapter summary to all these weeks of thoughts.

Started reading How Starbucks saved my life. 1/3 through already and there have been numerous inspiring paragraphs. Will post them up soon when I'm done with the book.

3am. Sleep.