suddenly got lottas things to say... lemme jot it down 1st....the feli thingie...the song...the similarity and the life...and oso the bleah day...

ermm...1stly...think i haf changed so much emotionally... shud use the word stronger... cant explain why... perhaps its juz how life in me has taken me to and thru, and well... that day feli asked me...whether i will cry if she dies... i said i will...even use the words "of course...", but now thinking back...i dun think i will...maybe i shud juz say i cant...i can only say i will be hurt very deeply inside...but i wont cry...even if i want to...dunno why...think its how i am used to doing now...tough outside...tougher inside...only the weakest at the core...the insidest of the inside...i may cry in my heart...but dun think i can shed a tear...*shrugs* Dun ask me why....seems to me i face everything as though nothing else matters anymore much than my daily meals...if someone close by is gone... i will be very disappointed...maybe even to the extent of blaming the person for being selfish and to leave me here alone... damn... cant explain... pain on the inside... perhaps juz quiet on the outside...

hmm...think i found a reason for my quiet moments...when ppl ask me not to stone...and those "are you alrite" ques...but its always the "ever good...ever ready" ans...damn...think i am fake...but tat sounds bad...think i juz prefer keeping stuff to myself....but i cant blame myself for that..."for who you are...the pple ard u made u to be..."<--i think tats the reason...lost trust?? no one ever quite care?? or issit juz tat i dunwan others to worry?? cool~~ now i dunno the ans...a ques tat will remain unanswered...juz like many other things...or maybe if i try hard enuf, i will find out... but not now lar...no time, no energy, no strength left for this kinda minor stuff...well...juz let it be...emotionally-dead i guess....

hmmmz....but after writing this...dun quite agree wif it...its not emotionally dead lar...but its lesser on the sadness part...think i cant handle sadness tat well...thus i choose to put it aside...so i guess when u lose touch wif tat emotion of urs...u juz dun quite feel it anymore...

2ndly...the song...well...i dun think its tat possible... dun think so lar...how issit possible to continue to miss me when u are wif him...=)
the hope is there...always...burning...like the cathigh spirit and the cj flame...but its quite hard.. u see....=p

think its due to the similarities...hahah...it all leads sia...okie...
well there is: -stubborness
-keeping stuff to ourselves
-does not like to trouble others
-happy when others are happy
-thick-skinned when it comes to this
-very much mistaken(haha perhaps not lar...)

cool rite~~ thinking back...these few pts juz came up...

shitz...forgot wad i wanna say about life...erm...oh yar...actually looking at wad others are doing...its hard to find someone who actually plans activities in the sch...participates actively in sch events...like the newater seminar this coming fri...and also interclass vball competition...having oso a sports cca....plays a musical instrument...and learning dancing....plus having time for studies as well...erm....perhaps juz got no social life loh....heez.....seriously dying liao leh...juz want to say i got a lousy life lar...really dread going to sch on mon...cos its pia on the way till fri...and i really hate the feeling of piaing so hard....really got no more energy left....even though can slack and rest a lot on weekends...but when it end...it really is scary....but i gotta admit i am learning a lot a lot...really a lot....this period of time will always remain deep in my memories....haha i think i am a nutcase....and its so especially demanding and stressing when u keep on thinking of the thing u cant have...its always at the back of ur mind....and it juz adds to the...erm....juz adds to everything....

okie...today is a totally bleah day....indescribable....cos things that happened are so bleah...think its the guy up there...he is playing wif my life manz...1stly...watched the korean serial...2 of them...from 2.30 to 4.30....and both is soooooooooooooooooooooooo bleah...fark manz....haf missed a few of them liao...but today juz found the time to watch....usually i will love to watch romance drama...but after watching...it left a feeling at the end...when everything its so farking normal...and everything which i can actually do...but i CANT DO RIGHT NOW...its so bleah...esp when everything is so sweet...and u actually haf a sweet after-feeling...mixed wif regret and pain...not much pain lar...cant feel much of tat...but more on disappointment....den after that there is the sms....my life is so ironic manz...when some stuff is gone...and it shud be gone...it juz come back...esp at its most extremest...when actually the coming back has its most impact....its so bleah cos its actually not the person whom i will want to receive a sms from at tat time...and whoa...think its the guy up there...after tat its the song...the song juz came on....yes...from the radio la...was in laopeh's car when it came on...so i was starting to wonder whether the guy up there is really playing wif me or wad....den had a minor arguement wif laobu over the phone issue...nuthing much actually....den an idea of coming up wif charity funds for the sch actually pops up in my mind...cant believe i am actually thinking up these kinds of ideas...think i am really deprived...which i will of course do smth else to get rid of it...bleah....dun think ppl will understand wad the shit i am toking about...and dunwan anyone to care actually...need to write them down to reorganise my thoughts a bit...think i am kinda assured i got them down somewhere...cos somehow i haf this feeling i will lose my thoughts and feelings someday...haha...lame rite...cool~~

How much he regrets i don't know, he only knows how much i regret. He just simply don't know him and I.