A night in the car turned into this ...

My life has always been very blessed. Truly ... cos honestly, when are the blips in it? I can only think of 3 distinct ones currently. 3 in a total of 25 years? You must be thinking i am joking, but it's pretty much true.

In a way, i am always very fulfilled. And especially so when i was ending my tertiary year 3 because my academic goals were going to be achieved, and it's only a matter of time. Things always turn out right, at least for 90% of the things i was doing. And i think i ought to be ashamed of it.

I always thought i need to do one of those volunteering activities, so that perhaps i could be more in touch with the unpleasant side of life, or just to be more real with regards to the world outside.

True, I've went to army and then i did coaching, and along the way i've met people who are less fortunate. But then i realized, until the day when i begin to feel 'in need' or 'lacking', can i truly feel the full magnitude of the effects.

I've always been ... happy? Or rather i've almost mostly chose to feel positive emotions such as happiness, joy and peace instead of negative ones like sadness, anger and frustration. This becomes a habit such that when I have no choice but to feel negative emotions, due to their rarity, I simply do not know the best way to cope with them.

It has been like that since i was 19, when i was feeling the lousiest, when i was at my lowest, due to certain circumstances, immediate positive feelings were piled very quickly on top of these sadness and anger, layers after layers, and that this led to 2 outcomes. Firstly, it became my natural defense mechanism to resolve negative feelings by piling lots of positive feelings on top. It is just like what one of my friends said: I have continuously choose to upgrade my happiness-feeling component that my negative-feeling component is extremely under-leveled and raw. Secondly, which is exclusive to the particular situation, is that i don't remember much of the experiences associated with the negative emotions plainly because i focused much much more attention on the memory associated with the positive experiences.

Anyway, back to the point about fulfillment. I cannot ever deny my parents love me. They have given me the opportunities to experience different things in life. You know it's like how people say they want to travel and see the world. Well, these kind of positive experiences i was never devoid of. Yet there is always compensation.

I've been sleeping in a comfortable queen-sized bed for since i was 17. I have a huge-ass tv in my room with my own entertainment systems. I don't need to think much for a sec when i order a certain meal in a restaurant. I don't need to think about transport issues when i want to go out and stay out late. I am well in touch with the latest technology because i have them. And so much more. There's always food on the table. There's always a house to go back to. There's always clothes to wear. There's always stability. And things will pan out eventually.

I think the point here is clear. I need to go live under a void deck, sell the computer, stop driving the car, and never ever bring out the credit card.

My question to myself is: How can you ever have the drive when you feel fulfilled every single day?

Of course don't quote me and say that there is self-fulfillment, spiritual fulfillment, family fulfillment, etc. You know what i am talking about.

And this leads me to my personality, my characteristics. Shaped by my upbringing, family, culture and environment.

I am who i am, and it wouldn't make sense to instantly snap out of this identity. Yet, I am very convinced that my take on certain things in life could be re-shaped and re-directed in a better way.

Then there is this realization on my source of motivation. 2 nights ago, i was so convinced it's mostly external. It was never internal. Until last night when a dear friend of mine strongly said mine is definitely internal. Because to have a certain drive, you would need a source of motivation. Ok right now i am still convinced it's mostly external. I excel in things solely for the recognition of relevant people, and only through this recognition do i feel good about myself. (But honestly i don't know, because when i think back to the moments when i finished my 32km route march, or when i was standing on the stage after arts camp, i felt so damn good about myself). If i set a goal or dream, i am realistic enough to know it will happen. Yet at the back of my mind, i would tell myself it's fine if it doesn't happen.

Why do i see no need to prove things to myself? Instead, i always see an extreme need to prove things to others.

Because all along, visually if you can imagine, i have been 'fed' outwards in, always from people around me. In a manner, this leads to my need to return this 'thing' outwards to the people around me. It's hard to imagine, but i have definitely learnt so much more about myself.

I think i have digressed.

I just like to end off with this.

Do i subscribe to the thought of "What happened, happened for a reason?", or "Whatever the universe plans out, it will happen?". Well ... I think i do. I think we can't change fate. Pardon me for all the flashforward ideas, but i think that if it's meant to happen, if you try changing it, the universe has a strange way of correcting its course.