I didn't have anything to blog just now when i logged in, so i signed out and went back to my studies. But now something triggered off my thoughts, so there.

At the place where i work, i often struggle internally as to whether i should be the nice guy and make everyone loves me (trust me i am fully capable of that), or that as what the experienced people have told me, in order for them to truly learn, you got to show them the ugly side of people.

They can have a jolly good time laugh laugh play play and learn nothing.

I am glad you learnt something. =)

There are too many nice people out that already. It's time for me to play the Devil's advocate. Isn't that what a Gemini is good at, having a full range of extremities, sometimes good sometimes bad. Always unpredictable. (Sometimes i laugh at how juvenile my posts sound, but then again, i am being juvenile now.)

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I was talking to my mum and sis the other day during dinner. I claimed how much of a paranoid person i am, and i told my mum i think i got yi xin bing. Always suspecting, always not giving my 100% trust.

I've learnt much about not giving all of what i have.

And i guess... maybe now when i do things to hurt and thus distance myself, it will save me. A defense mechanism eh?

I don't know. I don't understand my thoughts many a times. Like many of the findings and theories in the textbooks, they are often lacking in replication or insufficient evidence to truly support them. (Then i wonder why the hell did they write that down in the book.)

But now i realise, it's another of those all-too-similar scenarios. Many people had developed close friendships with me before getting hurt eventually. I can think of 4 names right away. And we seldom talk now.

Reason for all? My lack of commitment to them. And perhaps a bit of a lack of understanding.

I think it's a problem of mine. Commitment issues.

For the rest that didn't get burnt too much and still stay close, they learn and understand that I need my own time. My own time to do my own stuff. My own time which i am free from commitments and responsibilities. My own time when i turn into a very selfish person.

But i think they all know that, sooner or later, maybe 2 days, maybe a week, maybe 2 weeks, i will give them my time. They understand i have my concept of time and that i plan my schedule. It's the same for me, how i know the cathigh guys, or the cj bunch that they have times whereby they are so damn busy, but deep down you know that they will set time aside to meet up.