Wrote plenty of stupid things because of emotions, and i had to regret and delete them away. Happened not once, not twice but over and over again. But those things must stop once and for all.

After all these days, it dawned on me that i had indeed changed first. I was lesser like the brave boy i was when i was 19. Now i know why people say when you are young, when you are a kid, you dare to dream, you dare to do things ... you dare to take plenty of leaps of faith. At that age, you were just possessed by this strength and belief that things will work out.

Things start to change when i grew older. Or rather, i started to change. I started to be fearful. I started to lose confidence in the things i do. I started to increase my 'what ifs' and decrease my 'yes i can do it'. All because I was open to the possibilities of failure. As i grew older over the past few years, the daunting thought of the future brought me closer to reality.

Perhaps back then, i didn't know what was the better option to take. I tried fighting reality and hence subconsciously conjured up baseless thoughts just to console and assure myself that things will turn out right. In actual fact, i was just really afraid to lose it all.

I was a supportive figure back then. I liked to think of myself as a pillar of hope and joy. To a lot of people around me. Over the years, i faded ... simply because i became afraid and fearful.

Hmmm now then the question is why? I guess initially was the uncertainties of the future, and my growing awareness of how much i was lacking or behind others. And then i tried holding on to the things i cherish, much too tightly. The tighter i held them, the more i pushed them away. I tried to compensate by putting false imaginations of my desired outcomes, much to the point of mild delusional. =/

All because i was afraid. And i thought fear and insecurity could be hidden. No i was wrong, because their subsequent effects just ebbed out towards the people around me, unknowingly to me. Yet it was very clear for me to see it now.

So much consolation for a psychology major to realise all this.

I think coming in touch with reality once again has infused certain beliefs in me. Yes we can all feel fear, and more often than not, we will feel it as we grow up. You just got to deal with it by constantly improving yourself and making sure you are well-adept and sufficiently-prepared in your pursuit of your goals.

It wouldn't make sense for you to dream of things with the courage and hope of a naive young boy, or dream of things with the delusional mindset of a fearful young man.

Be the hope and support once again, and strive with a strong and determined basis like who you ought to be.

=)