Was at the wake for the past 2 nights. It was heart-wrenching having to see his face on a photo, for it was something i haven't seen before. It was always face-to-face. Always physical. Always real.

The first night was coming in terms with reality. He was just lying there. Head swollen probably due to the concussion.

The second night we had most of the guys there. Zico, JC, Gary and I were talking and joking about the good old days. Even when Weiming, Ivan and Alvin came, the recalling of fond memories continue; all the stupid and crazy things we all did back in our BSS office. But we were missing him ... Shaun.

I wanted us all to move next to his coffin to continue our conversations. He ought to be part of them all.

We were laughing, not out of respect. Rather, it was more of masking our pain, more of rejecting the idea that he wasn't there listening and being part of us. What Alvin said rang true. "It's unfortunate we have to meet again under such circumstances." Perhaps we ought to have a gathering earlier.

Looking at his parents and sister, i could relate very well. It was very saddening ... very unfair. No one wanted it to happen, and no parents would want to see their child go to the heavens first. It was too difficult looking at his mum and sis ...

And i was wondering perhaps my optimism came from the fact i haven't been exposed to enough funerals. They suck the positivity out of you. But my mum said because of such things, we all need to remain optimistic.

I didn't go for the cremation this morning. Perhaps i was running away from the anticipation of pain. Perhaps i thought maybe i wasn't close enough.

Rest In Peace Shaun Mok. You will be in our memories.