There were plenty of days like today for the past 2 weeks, but I think today is truly the day of decisions. Whatever I’m writing here from today onwards means no offence to anyone, or contains any sort of hidden meaning and should be seen plainly as a method for me to recover. I sincerely apologise for any confusion, hurt or anger caused by my words. And I swear that these are the absolute truth to how I am feeling as I wrote them. No sarcasm. I just need to do this to help myself. Yet I guess I would probably look at all these in the future and wonder why I bothered to think so much.

Tonight, I realized how frustrating and tiring it was to maintain a smile or try to prevent spoiling a happy gathering with my mood. In the end, I just had to find some friends who I thought knew as closely to how I felt as possible. However, to be honest, no one absolutely knew how I felt because no one was in the position I was in before.

So I met some friends and I told them my realization of the reason behind my change in behavior. And I can’t believe it went back to Day 2 again with me bringing up the topic of shock, disbelief and unfairness. Ok, once again they drilled me to the harsh and cruel realities of the world; that people change as and when they like, and that they need not answer to anyone. That is the world for you, straight in the face. Well, I take it, and deep down I fear for the repercussions it might have. I also understood why ‘players’ are created because they just can’t bear to be hurt ever again. Why not do the hurting instead?

A friend called me and said that there was no chance we could meet. Honestly, it was disappointing to hear that, and also to her belief that I would have any sort of outburst if we did. You would probably be surprised by how I’ve became. But like what I told them, no one would believe if I say I’ve changed ALREADY. No one would believe me if I said I would do anything for things to go back to normal again. So I left it as that, because there was really no point in emphasizing something that no single soul believes in other than me.

It was disappointing to hear the many things over the phonecall, and once again I was in disbelief again. How can it be that I wasn’t aware at all? Or did she try hard enough to make sure the message got across to me? And it wasn’t only me, no one else around us was aware too. And if anyone was, why didn’t anyone say anything?

Well, I then started questioning what in the relationship was real, what was not? How could she send those messages the week before if she wasn’t happy all this while? Perhaps just like in the music video, she didn’t say no, or didn’t cry, or didn’t get angry, because she loved me. Honestly, I would very much she scream or shout or scold me when she felt angry or unjustified or when I couldn’t understand.
I thought she knew me well enough that I am a person to take it plainly. Don’t mask or sugarcoat anything because I will just take it as that. Perhaps what I was feeling unjustified about was that there was no ultimatum. There was no point of redemption.

But once again, my friends emphasized and regurgitated the point of the cruelties of the world. Ok if it is so, I really feel sad for the world, the people and all its happenings. One of them brought up the point of going into a relationship with the idea that there’s a risk of breaking up, of hurting each other. So I asked why then go into a relationship in the first place? Because clearly for me, it is with a happy ending in the mind right from the start.

If she is not ready to meet and talk about it, then I got to deal with things on my own part. My only intention of meeting to talk was so that she can give me the closure I needed, but right now, I strongly believe that it will end up with none like all my previous relationships.

I took down the 2 keychains which belonged to us. And I kept the glass souvenir of us from Hong Kong, and that photo of us on my graduation. I think I need to do that. By the way, the family portrait and the photos are ready for collection, so I supposed I got to discuss it with my parents and see what the eventual decision is.

Speaking of which, I still couldn’t understand why she did all that. Ok maybe she got ‘forced’ into taking the photos by me, as it was almost impossible to reject my suggestion at that point of time. But what I couldn’t really understand is why when we went to look at the sample photos, she could decide to buy one for her own room. Yet, I can only speculate now. Anyway, regarding the photo she bought, I would probably drop it at her place someday since she paid for it.

So back to the room, we discussed what will happen from now on. Then I realized how all-or-nothing I am like; very much like her as she told me. There are 2 paths I could take right now, and one is just to go about my business and wait for things to happen. The other path requires me to be cruel, to numb my heart, to think of her badly, but certainly will help me move on.

Thing is, it’s a pity to no longer see us as friends. It’s like all this while back to cj when we were special friends is going to dissipate just like that, just because I couldn’t offer her what she needs as a boyfriend.

I asked them if they still see any longing or hope in me, which I would like to hear as none. But one of them said there should be at least 15% still there. So I said next time the more times we meet, the lesser this hope will get.

Currently, I am in a little bit of an identity crisis because suddenly I don’t know what beliefs and values to stand for. My beliefs and values got knocked down. My optimism in things took a hit but I told them, I think I would still be optimistic about things, but when it comes to relationship, I would be extremely cautious. Then they said that when another girl comes along and I see hope, I will just jump right into it. Haha. Trust me, I will probably not put the least bit of attachment into it.

To her: I really don’t mean to make you hate me because I still want to see us as friends next time, but if it does, there’s really nothing I can do for now. I need to protect myself. You go read your secretletters to me and tell me what’s real and what’s not because I can’t tell anymore honestly. 4 years ago on 30th march, you said you will do anything for me. Does it still stand?

I know you believe there are some characteristics about me that we would all like to think of as innate, and fundamentally they can’t be changed. Yet I can tell you these now, just to name but a few, that I will not mind waiting an hour for you each time just to see you when you need me, that when I saw your property events photo, the first thing I felt was proud and that was the first time ever in 2 years, that I can be contented just silently standing by watching and supporting you in your career, that I will work hard to achieve what I set out to do for myself and my future family, that you will feel nothing but being loved and pampered, that I will put in all the effort to know you all over again; your work, your friends, and who you really are. That was the extent that I would go, simply because I know I would be extremely happy even though you would say I won’t be.

To you, the due date’s past and your decision’s final. Damn cruel very harsh. But do not ever feel bad, because for me, I only see goodness in you wanting me to learn, and it is only through this process would I be able to truly comprehend and take it all in.

What I especially feel sad for, is that there is not even a chance at redemption. No leap of faith from you to help us complete the fairy-tale ending you always love in your drama series. I like to see a future, but definitely it’s uncertain.