Plenty of observations and reflections today.

Went down to Parkway for some quick bucks.. which in the end after calculating the parking fees, that tshirt and then G2000 jacket that i bought today, i might have just lost about 1 dollar. =/

Haha really fml kind of thing but i think it's honestly not about the money. Actually think about it, if no work money then would have lost much more.

So about work, I am so glad for the awesome friendly colleagues! Even though it's my first time and I am seriously noob about it hence i wasn't confident in what was the right things to do, i got the hang of it pretty fast. And i am really proud of my people-reading skills. I know who can approach who got chance and who doesn't. Furthermore, i think i helped to push my colleagues a lot more and hence we hit the quota which is usually supposed to be for "good days". =))))

Well, Parkway being parkway, will always be associated to her. See the thing is i individually never have any associations with Parkway because i hardly do anything there on my own. So all memories with regards to Parkway always include her. For the first couple of hours it was really tough and i was afraid to be 'shyboy' or antisocial with my colleagues especially when the job requires the opposite. Can't help it la.

It's like the same with Dionne when I just kept on thinking she might just pop out suddenly but when logic kicks in, you know its impossible.

So anyway, the irritating thing was like Iyaz's Solo was playing non-stop in my mind, then when i finally got rid of it, it played in one of the shops when i walked past it. >.< But honestly i think i really like the song cos i think it has a really happy rhythm in it, though the lyrics are really imba.

Ok enough rambling. 3 issues.

Last night's talk with blonde revolved around emotional strength. Everyone has their own way to sort things out and deal with problems. Some people stay silent and some people run away for awhile, while some others choose to be in denial while others face them head-on. Staying silent and running away may not necessarily mean he is emotionally weak. All he's doing is his way of thinking things through, then dealing with it as he thinks through it, before coming back even stronger than before.

Emotional strength takes into account the time period. It also includes recovery time and resilience during the relevant period, especially not only when things happen. At that moment when things happen, the actions taken may portray weakness, yet in the long run, it may just turn out to be the stronger strategy.

I am not saying any strategy is right or wrong or which ways of doing things are stronger and weaker because no one can ever reach the conclusion even till the cow comes home. It would be a lot simpler to just accept that everyone solves their problems their own ways ... and that to live happily with someone, we just got to accept these differences.

Next, with problems, i don't ever run away. It may be interpreted as running away, but to me it's me taking time out to internalise and think through things and then returning happy because, well it's way too small to even be bothered about it. That's for 'small problems'

For big problems, i face it head-on. That is the truth. Thing is it sometimes gets me into lots of trouble because well ... the time isn't right. My emotions ain't right. Advantages are chop chop get it over and done with, but my friend asked me, won't i feel regret if things turn out bad?

Yes i might, but for awhile. Because i know the regret i would feel if i didn't do it would be way much much bigger. 5 years down the road when i look at it again and then i will start to question how would things have turned out.

For example, one of the regrets of my life is not running for house ic for the consecutive year. And because i wouldn't know how successful it would be. I don't want to be 60 years old and regret all the things i didn't do. I would rather i do something and regret it for a short time but yet learn a lot from it.

Life is about screwing up, if you like to think of it that way. Of course when i say do and try things, i am not saying go and do stupid things. These things have to be of the MOST CORRECT intentions and with a positive outcome in mind. Even if you fail, so be it.

Lastly, recently i notice a desire for me to have good positive last memories. I can't stand for negative last memories although i know logically it's not possible in the world. Some things are just not within our own control, yet honestly, i know some things you just got to try and do your best. Just like the previous point, if i have a negative last memory of a certain place, i will go there when the chance arises and make it happy once again.

Sorry i apologize for all these might seem like bullshit. But it's just me being honest with myself.

Parting thought ... It's been a really tough 2 weeks. Struggling, crying, holding it in, being strong outside, emo-ing till the verge you just feel like why is life so damn sad, and lots of why-must-it-turn-out-this-way ... all this pain and suffering ... the question is ...

Do they even hold up to what we already have? Are all these pain worth it now? Can i stop all these nonsense now?

6 years of memories. Replayed them phases by phases and then suddenly realized how much we both shared. It wasn't 2-3 years. It wasn't just a normal relationship. It was ours.

Ok let me be emo for the night.

Hanging out before i went into army. Cheering me up. Falling in love. Realizations of feelings. Heat exhaustion in army. First thought was her. Holding that hand. By the river. Promises before she flew off. Us being brave. Really brave. Those overseas phonecalls. Asking her to imagine me asking her to be my girl. Our anticipation of our 1st reunion. Buying calling cards. Skype. Webcam. Weekend emails. Playground. Our first kiss. Sadness before she goes back. Last night's packing. Goodbye and take care video messages. Xiao bi. Bi Zai. Bear bear. First visit. Second visit. Third visit. And all that anticipation in between. All the anniversaries. Our birthdays. Malaysia. Cruise ship. Taiwan. Hong Kong. All that movies. All the piggy backs. All the wu gui che. All the many many little things that i don't want to think of anymore cos it hurts.

Really worth it?

You can ask me until I am 75 years old, have changed so much, and probably suffering from dementia and I would still say no. Not worth it. Absolutely doesn't match up at all.