Dear Blog,

I don't know. I don't know anymore. Everytime i think of it, i don't have an answer. I don't know why. I don't have something which i am sure of. What was the reason of the breakup? What exactly was it? She never quite tell me. Why am i left hanging there just like that?

True, i can admit to every mistakes that i make. But what did i do that was so fucked that warrant me such an outcome? Maybe i am just trying to console myself. Maybe the egoistic me is still trying to look for a cover. Maybe i cannot see myself as someone so lousy. Joseph said it right. I am too egoistic. I really do not have an answer. Was it all a game or what? Or, if to console myself, i might think that the problem didn't lie with me. I don't know. Everytime i think of what happened, the memories came back bit by bit, though a bit blurred and disorganised, but i was never quite informed. I never saw it coming. Fool again perhaps. It is really correct. We don't click. We are opposites. Hell yes we attract, but attraction only goes so far. The thing that is keeping me sane is the people around me. I still got to put up a front to show them i am strong. Am i really strong? Maybe i am. Maybe it isn't a front. No one told me what i did was wrong. Oh no, someone did told me. Someone did told me i should treat her better. But did i clear my doubts with her. Yes i did. So whose fault is it? Why am i talking about whose fault is it now? No one's at fault.

A couple. Reduced to total strangers. The pathetic outcome, the incoherence of things, the desperate searching for answers, the absurdity, the whatever. Humans should be given chances. Isn't that part of God's plans or ideas? Shouldn't we all pardon and forgive? Everyone changes, they change from good to evil, from selfish to generous, from aloof to sociable, and back to good and back to evil and back to generous and back to being self-centered and back to being sincere and back to being whatever. If the change is too much, shouldn't that person be informed? Shouldn't that person be advised to change back? Shouldn't that person be given another chance if he is sincere?

What had he done to deserve all that?

"Can't believe that i am the fool again,
I thought this love would never end,
How was i to know,
You never told me."

I don't know if i am numbed or not. My moods change too fast. I don't like myself. I am able to surpress and control my feelings too much. I don't like the way i push them all away and adopt a different outlook so easily. I don't feel feelings totally. I feel them all bit by bit, and i choose what i want to feel. What the hell. I don't know what is inside me. Probably some big "feelings dissolver". Everytime... whatever la... my words are failing me...

Perhaps, i should be positive. Well, i did thanked her. I do know that it had been beneficial in a way. Fuck it la... everything is about me. Only about me. "I" this "I" that. Am i too scared to get hurt again? I swear the next time i am going to hurt. Stay away from me. Hey dude, not everything revolves around you, do you know that? I am a lousy human.


None of yours,
Lah