For all that I thought I was, today showed me how much I am not.

Yes they did say that if we are working there, we are the top 10% of the applicants and that means something. But honestly, it doesn't matter if we don't make it count.

Today's happenings brought upon me a stark realisation of reality, of me, of work, of stress, of expectations, and of responsibility. I was brought down to my knees if I am allowed to exaggerate, but it was seriously stressful. To be fair, it wasn't external, but mostly internal.

Surprisingly, my sources of motivation have always been mostly external, and argh okay i am too tired to think about any way i could possibly link them.

So what happened today was, i was just simply sitting on my desk and then suddenly, i was hit with this wave of extreme fatigue. There were so many things to remember, so many never-ending tasks, so many places to run to, so many things to check, and yet i felt so stupid, so cognitively-incapable.

I felt i wasn't worthy of the 'recognition' (if any) these people were having of me, and i just felt the expectations growing bigger and bigger each day. I know i shouldn't be so harsh on myself, but i cannot put away the fact that they have so much faith, hope and trust in me to do a good job, yet it's the 5th day already and i am not progressing quickly enough. I can't help but feel responsible for the work i produce because this has always been my nature, and yet, today. was. tough.

There was one point when i suddenly realized i was staring at my screen, not looking at anything in particular, and just zoning out. My mind wasn't at anything either and there were still more slides to complete and more things to double-check, and J was turning around to teach me more stuff, and my phone vibrated, and i suddenly remembered i need to remind someone of something then i remembered i need to call my dentist because my tooth hurts and i looked at the time and it's 4pm already.

I turned to look at F and he was in his usual focused mode and i knew i got to match up and then J finished talking and i checked my phone to realize a really not important sms and i got irritated and then i got tired with feeling tired and then it all hit me.

That was exactly how she felt.

This job(or rather passion/career as DP & LK refused to let us see it as just a job) means so darn much to me. Without it, I am literally nothing. I will always feel the need to perform, to match up to my supervisor's expectations and to show them that having me in the team means i'm a plus and not a minus. I'll always step into the office knowing that i can sit at my desk because certain people place that much of faith and hope that i would be the most excellent person for this role. I'll always look at LK and see her as my benefactor and will always feel indebted.

Yet, today ... i thought .. ok nvm.

But if let's say a friend, or someone, constantly cannot understand how much this career means to me now, its very likely we won't hang out much. If this someone constantly questions my commitment to my career, in addition to the stress i felt today, and probably every single day, i will hate him. If this someone cannot even show me the care and concern about the amount of pressure i am getting and self-inflicted from just facing 40 emails everyday, how can i even put in my best at work? How can i even be friends with this person?

I stepped out for a breather. And my eyes hurt. And my heart pained suddenly because I finally realized all the nonsense i had been giving her. I needed to rest, but i knew i can't ... and then i remembered i always told her "There's always a choice." Ya there probably is, but to many other things, there ain't no choice.

I walked around, checking what i needed to, and it struck me that i got to be much stronger than this. Today's emotions and fatigue were uncalled for. Where was my smile that i had since i started? And my vibrancy and enthusiasm? Where was that optimistic me who showed them I always face new challenges head-on? But yet the fact is there are still so many things i don't know of. There was the fact that at the back of my mind, i should have came up with a much better system to learn things from J. I have only myself to blame when I don't remember things or when i have to turn to J to re-check with him. And i felt utterly lousy.

And when i walked back to my desk, i suddenly felt i couldn't talk to or entertain anyone on msn. I felt the need to just hide.

Perhaps because it's the 4th. Or maybe because I have to wake up at 6am for many more days and I am beginning to doubt myself.

Dude, seriously you ain't that great. Wake up your idea.

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A few paragraphs from "How Starbucks Saved My Life" by Michael Gill

I was suddenly very worried. After finding out about the health benefits that Starbucks offered, I really wanted this job. Was Crystal going to be another young woman like Linda White who would end up cutting off my balls? I didn't care, so long as she hired me.

"Have you ever worked in retail?"
Her question startled me.
I tried desperately to think ... Quick, what is retail?
"Like a Wal-Mart?" she helped. I sensed, for the first time in the interview, that Crystal might have decided to be on my side. This whole thing had started as a joke or a dare with her, but maybe, just maybe, she had come to see me as a person who really needed some help.

It suddenly struck me how much a life of entitlement had protected me from the reality everyone else knew so well. Maybe Crystal could help me get a grip, yet I could not even grab the saving rope she had tossed me in this job interview: I had never even been inside a Wal-Mart.
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