Dear Blog,

It's time. The time i've been waiting for has finally came. Fieldcamp just ended. Decided that i am going to write a long entry this time. Share with all of you the stuff i've been going through. I shall post some excerpts of my diary too. I've been cramming it all up. Going to explode. I'm in a very volatile state. I need to release them. Maybe i am just exhausted. But i ain't. I don't think i can sleep now. So many things running through my head. How has everyone been out here while i was in there? What with the nicoll highway collapse and nisterooy leaving man u? I don't even know how does the EPL table look like now. Anyway, many things happened in these 13 days. So many.

"Had range. Damn loud. Almost deaf. But it was good. Feels lethal now."

We went to the range. Shot live rounds. I ain't a bad shooter. They had a test after that. I failed it. It's either my shooting or the target doesn't go down like lane 12. It was upon 16 and i got only 6. Those that failed had to go for a re-shoot. I got a 13 for that and i used lane 12. The moment when i failed the first test, i was doubting my capability. Am i that lousy? Even Joseph was surprised i failed. After the re-shoot, i just got to convince myself that i ain't lousy.

"The stars in tekong are really nice. Totally magnificient. Stretch from one end to the other. Was admiring them during night firing."

The stars in tekong win the all star award hands down. Not only do they stretch from one end to the other, they are formed densely together. It just puts you into a very big picture, one that makes you picture how big the universe is. One that makes you seem so small.

"Last night was the beginning. We slept at around 1am. We were still cleaning rifles at 12 midnight, and getting punished at 1230am."

Well... this only proves that humans, when treated too nicely for too long, they will take things for granted.

"Just knock 60 down and its only 730am. Sergeant Charles is someone who likes to train people. Pumped around 200 yesterday. Extreme upper limbs training yesterday."

We got a new sergeant. Sect Comm for my section. Whole platoon hates him. Maybe section mixes with him more, that's why we don't mind his "training" so much. He was from foxtrot, so those from foxtrot, you can expect the "training" he gave us.

"How does it feel when you dream of your ex? Sucks."

Yeah... i dreamt of her.

"Jiaxian doing a pretty good job as the platoon IC. Think he will get into OCS. There are many serious contenders for OCS. Will try my best."

Yeah... This guy is good... he's my top choice for top 10. After him, Yew Song got the IC job. Then Amir. Both of them did a fantastic job. Guess what... after Amir was me. Will write about that later.

"Just had my first combat ration. Not bad. Chicken pasta."

It's true. It isn't that bad. Maybe because i eat almost everything. But after some days, when i eat back the same stuff, it gets quite boring.

"I realise that some of the things they teaching us are not realistic during a war."

Do we need BCCT? Oh ya... i haven't gone for a single lesson yet. And no... i am not a chao keng. Everytime i att B. Jialat manz... and the next lesson is the 4th one already. But come on lor... we will use his hands and legs to fight when you got your rifle. You can even use your helmet to crack your enemy's head.

"Just did camou and conceal. Stoned in the bushes for half an hour."

We got to put on camou cream every morning. Did ants/spider/bugs-watching. We are all so close to nature. Simply saying, we have merged with the soil and grass.

"Doing guard duty now with Isaac. It's 3 something in the morning."

Guard duty to most people is a super sian thing. Imagine waking up at odd hours in the morning to do an hour of guard duty. Well i made the most out of it and had a good talk with Isaac. There was a box of cake and bread which was the officers' supper next to me so i helped myself to them. =p

Well... after the guard duty, i didn't sleep. Didn't see the point to. So i broke the basha which i was sleeping in so that i didn't need to rush later. It was still quite early when i was done so i wrote some stuff.

Soldier's life

The basha which i slept in last night
Is now half broken in my field pack
Lying on the groundsheet next to Isaac
Looking into the night sky filled with stars
Stretching from one end to another
Some cluster together some alone
They brought me close to heaven
They gave me more life than anything
Almost mistook them for fireflies
It is truly a magnificient sight
Fourth day of fieldcamp incoming
Can't wait to get back home
I miss my loved ones very much
But i must be strong and independent
And to prove myself to others
A battered and wounded soldier i am
Still i must push and carry on

Starry Starry Night
I've got the inspiration to write.
Looking at them all blinking and twinkling
I thought of her.
We always lay down to look at them
But there weren't so many back then.
We said when we were apart at night
We would look at the brightest one in the sky
This i tried, and i failed.
Because the sky in tekong is different.
Too many stars, so many bright ones
I don't know which to look at
Now we don't look at them anymore.
Neither do we think of each other.
But... I still miss her as i look into the
Starry starry night.

Haha... bo liao right? Anyway i was just bored la...

"Wild Boar!! Rain!!"

It was my first sighting of a wild boar. And they were all saying if it rains during fieldcamp, it gets damn sian. Well... it rained 4 out of 7 days for my field camp. Hopefully no one grew any mushrooms anywhere. But you can imagine la... it's very sian when your underwear is damp.

"It's amazing how people can be so easily influenced by what they hear. Pot calling kettle black incidents are so frequent now. Hypocrites. And why do people gossip so much? Even guys gossip. Oh manz."

When people are shagged, they show their true colours. It's so true. So many people flaring up. So much backstabbing.

28/4 Day 6 "Doing guard duty now with Aaron. Yesterday was the most shagged fieldcamp day."

Well... we got lost. SGT Charles got us lost. He signed 2 extra for that. But we walked 4km when the rest walked only 1.5. Rain came and he built us a shelter. In the end, the OC and 2IC drove landrover came fetch us. He said we just passed the survivor course. Haha nice joke. But we were all shagged already. Next day there was a 4km route march. 8km in 2 days. Perhaps these was the reasons for the resulting incident later on in the day. But maybe it was because i pushed myself too hard. Please do not see me as a weak person. Any super fit person can go pengz also. One living example is Eugene. This guy is freaking fit. But he pengz also.

"I never expected this. Trench Digging. Heat exhaustion. Body and limbs numb. Almost died."

I dare to say i pushed myself. I forced myself. My mind thought i could do it. Furthermore, i was the platoon IC. If i don't lead, who will? But i must say, i shouldn't had. Dennis had said don't need to pia so hard one. But what had happened had happened. And it was an experience i do not want to have ever again. Let's just say, when human breathing stops, i believe he will die.

Stretcher. Rover. Sent back to medical centre. They cut my pants. Those of you who know, when the doctor cut up your pants, you can roughly know how serious the case is. They put me on drip. It gets quite sia suay when you just became the platoon IC and you aren't there suddenly. Anyway i don't care about that la. Platoon SGT said i will take over next week when Deneng is done. And guess what, next week is SIT test.

They sent me to sick bay. Slept. Woke up, feeling completely fine, though slightly weak. They brought in another guy. It gets quite cute when you see guys with camou faces started coming into the sickbay, and trust me manz, at that point of time i was feeling completely fine. I was planning how to convince the MO to discharge me immediately so i can rejoin my platoon asap. This other guy that they brought in... whoa... he was completely shagged... he was semi conscious. I think he was as bad as me. But his pants wasn't cut. Damn. He kept falling asleep and the medics had to keep on slapping his face. ZhiShen and Yuanxi came by to pass a pair of specs to some guy and they told me the strength of the platoon had at that time dropped from 42 to 31. Ain't too surprised. After that i was told there was Cat 1. Heat wave.

Then this guy got stretchered in. His state ain't looking too good either. Pants cut. Totally weak. Eyes closed. At first i didn't quite recognised him but ya... was Eugene. This big guy here who is a sinseh in clubbing was sent in for hyperventilation. Same platoon. I was thinking.. heng sia... lucky not only me. But wah lanz... what the heck is with trench digging manz? Why do we have to dig trench? In the end, only got me and him, the more serious cases, got sent to the medical centre. Choon Kit half fainted and the others were totally shagged. Drained.

I told song, i don't know whether it was a good time or a bad time that i was the IC at that time. 5th day of few camp. I was damn shagged. Everyone was shagged. But the thing that was pushing me on(though it isn't really a good reason) is that we got to do our peer appraisal this weekend. If i can prove it to them, then maybe they can write something for me. But well, this isn't quite possible now.

Hope i don't get too bad a review after the lousy start i had. But the medic said, those chosen for OCS is based largely on the computer test. Dennis said that too. I hope it is like that. Then all those wayanging shit can be cut off. But then i will still give my best shot for SIT test. Oh yeah, peer appraisal. Roughly got my top 10 and bottom 10 already. Eugene slept next to me in sickbay that night. Had a nice time interacting with him. He was all well again like me after some rest. Then we both realised that during the trench digging, we tested ourselves. We pushed on and we thought we could overcome it. 1 fit person who forces himself can dig 20 times in a minute and can still pengz while a less-fitter person can just keng and dig once a minute and still get through the thing. Come on lor... the fire trench is the work of the whole platoon, you cannot possibly stand there and use eye power leh.

Then i don't know who spread around say i got asthma. Yes it is true someone shouted for an inhaler, but he was from another platoon. Both Eugene and me suffered from heat exhaustion. Ever had pins and needles throughout your whole body so bad that your limbs became numb and after sometime, you start getting cramps? Your chest gets so tight that you could only take short breaths?

At one point, i was thinking of giving up. =)

I felt so useless in the sickbay. The drip was making me pee a lot. I had to carry the whole thing to walk here and there. But well... the sleep at night in the air conditioned sickbay was... good, and there was tv and radio. =p I know i should had been sleeping in the basha with Joseph next to me. Oh... felt really thankful because he helped me to pack all my stuff and sent it back. Promise i will help him as much as i can until i POP.

Currently having status of ATT B. Will be 100% next mon. Just nice for SIT test. Outfield again. Wish me luck.

Will be chionging with song, gene, deneng and probably tiong, maybe tomorrow. Party at SOS. Maybe tonight if song calls. Meanwhile, you people have fun and take care. Life is precious.

Yours,
Lah

Dear Blog,

I don't know. I don't know anymore. Everytime i think of it, i don't have an answer. I don't know why. I don't have something which i am sure of. What was the reason of the breakup? What exactly was it? She never quite tell me. Why am i left hanging there just like that?

True, i can admit to every mistakes that i make. But what did i do that was so fucked that warrant me such an outcome? Maybe i am just trying to console myself. Maybe the egoistic me is still trying to look for a cover. Maybe i cannot see myself as someone so lousy. Joseph said it right. I am too egoistic. I really do not have an answer. Was it all a game or what? Or, if to console myself, i might think that the problem didn't lie with me. I don't know. Everytime i think of what happened, the memories came back bit by bit, though a bit blurred and disorganised, but i was never quite informed. I never saw it coming. Fool again perhaps. It is really correct. We don't click. We are opposites. Hell yes we attract, but attraction only goes so far. The thing that is keeping me sane is the people around me. I still got to put up a front to show them i am strong. Am i really strong? Maybe i am. Maybe it isn't a front. No one told me what i did was wrong. Oh no, someone did told me. Someone did told me i should treat her better. But did i clear my doubts with her. Yes i did. So whose fault is it? Why am i talking about whose fault is it now? No one's at fault.

A couple. Reduced to total strangers. The pathetic outcome, the incoherence of things, the desperate searching for answers, the absurdity, the whatever. Humans should be given chances. Isn't that part of God's plans or ideas? Shouldn't we all pardon and forgive? Everyone changes, they change from good to evil, from selfish to generous, from aloof to sociable, and back to good and back to evil and back to generous and back to being self-centered and back to being sincere and back to being whatever. If the change is too much, shouldn't that person be informed? Shouldn't that person be advised to change back? Shouldn't that person be given another chance if he is sincere?

What had he done to deserve all that?

"Can't believe that i am the fool again,
I thought this love would never end,
How was i to know,
You never told me."

I don't know if i am numbed or not. My moods change too fast. I don't like myself. I am able to surpress and control my feelings too much. I don't like the way i push them all away and adopt a different outlook so easily. I don't feel feelings totally. I feel them all bit by bit, and i choose what i want to feel. What the hell. I don't know what is inside me. Probably some big "feelings dissolver". Everytime... whatever la... my words are failing me...

Perhaps, i should be positive. Well, i did thanked her. I do know that it had been beneficial in a way. Fuck it la... everything is about me. Only about me. "I" this "I" that. Am i too scared to get hurt again? I swear the next time i am going to hurt. Stay away from me. Hey dude, not everything revolves around you, do you know that? I am a lousy human.


None of yours,
Lah

Dear Blog,

Hee... i'm out again, and it's a friday. This is because there is OCS visit tomorrow morning. Haiz... have to wake up early again. Waking up at 445 everyday is taking its toil on everyone. Fatigue. Did IMT many many times already. It is really easy. Like playing arcade game. Haven't done BCCT yet because i reported sick. Shin injury, though it is better now. Did SOC just now for the first time because i miss the first 2. Did the whole thing twice. Shagged. Almost missed the fastcraft just now. Delta coy was falling in at 2100 for dinner when the fastcraft was at 2130. All of us ended up not eating, just scanned the card and took a drink. Got a shock when the sergeant said i got a call from my dad. NUS called and said i got shortlisted(yay~!!) and i need go for interview and need to write some statement of purpose. But they scheduled it at the start of my field camp. Hell no am i going to miss field camp. So most probably going to write the thing and email to them and postpone the interview. Things getting better in the platoon. But a lot of guys can't keep their cool. Joseph and Jason shouted at each other just before book out. Tiong and Aaron almost pull punches at each other. Haiz.

Today is Shen's birthday. Though i believe he didn't quite like the morning. He has his own problems la, and the sergeant kind of kan him because he was the IC. Xian is the new IC. I think he has most of the qualities, but he doesn't have the sense of urgency.

The diary-writing is still ongoing. Might post some of the things i wrote here. But its nothing much la. Learnt how to build a basha this afternoon.

Sometimes i really think too much. Had a talk with Joseph, and well... i think its good. But it got me thinking more. How many of the people are real? Who will backstab you in the end? It is so much like Survivor manz. Well... i shall just be who i am... but who will believe it is me... and that i am not wayanging? Or that what will they think? Argh don't want to care.

Got some very cool people in the platoon. Like... Weilong, Swee Ming, Yew Song, Tiong, Chris... they are like... my kind of people... =p haha... still remember weilong going all over the place wearing slippers because of his ingrowing toe nail. He wore no. 4 with slippers, then that day he stood in the file when he was supposed to stand at the back... then the sergeant asked him how he marched... people bang he will piap piap piap... damn funny... then yew song teaching me handstand. Got new stand-in sergeant for my section. He is strict la... he is like super onz... and everyone doesn't like him. I think he is just egoist, and he thinks highly of himself... too high perhaps. He doesn't know how to slack la... from foxtrot wadz...

Got a lot more things to say la... but i got to go prepare my report... else no time... take care everyone... will most probably blog again before i go back in because next week field camp... so will only come back next next week...


Yours,
Lah

Dear Blog,

My first book out. Surprisingly not that excited during the day. Treated it as something like, "Day off ar? Okie lor." I think it is a waste of time. Book out one day, book in the other day.

Anyway, i've been fine. Delta is damn slack la. I can tell you that. It is damn slack and damn vulgar. The PC every sentence also got fuck and cock hair and this and that. Fuck la, like that surely will get influenced one. Wah cb... i just said fuck... knn la... dragon~!!!

Well, they gave us all a notebook and i sort of converted it into a diary. Started a diary writing frenzy in my platoon. Oh gosh... i am just trying to keep myself awake during lectures so i just write on the day's happenings and my feelings on some stuff la. Had lots of fun. Met lots of new friends. Surprisingly there are a lot of nice people. My buddy got an angkong on his back and hip each. And he is 23 years old. The other is a malay guy who is very guai, but got influenced by people such that while talking on the phone to his mum, he is damn polite and soft and stuff, and after that, he is like ccb and knn here and there. Haiz. See many new people, judged them. Aikland and De neng in my platoon. I love singing army songs. Everytime around 10 go toilet can see guys in their birthday suits. Didn't had a good start but things are definitely getting much much better. Had Nicholas Tan, one year my senior as my section commander, last time canoeing in cj. I am just going to put in my best, and if can then can, cannot then cannot. Scared about my chin ups. Got my wife. Love stripping her. =p

Actually it feels good being back home. I feel... more... relaxed. Don't have to fall in. Don't have to march everywhere. Don't have to tiam. Don't have to yes sergeant no sergeant.

Lots of things to share with everyone. But really tired to type them all out. It is really true that NS make boys real men. You see many more kind of people, those that can't climb 4 storeys to go to the toilet. Those that got awed by people who tell "lame" jokes and stick with them after that and idolise them. People who can't survive alone and form cliques and say bad things about others. People who are really desperate to go OCS.

You also see nice sergeants, and lousy sergeants, and fierce ones, and yandao ones, and cute ones. Always make me think and wonder why they act that way.

Okie la. I think that's all. Anyone free or bored just message me. I will check my phone whenever i am free, which is quite frequent. But i think will get tougher next week la. Usually from 10 to 1030 can give me a call if you wish to. If not i will just go and wash my clothes.


Yours,
Lah

PS: "Book out book out book out lo~!!"