Dear Blog,

Lots of things happened in the past week. The week past damn slowly. Almost died while counting down to book out day.

Lots of lectures. Falling asleep during most of them. Lots of tests. Tripflare and claymore mine practical tests. SAW. LAW. Theory tests. ET runs are a bother. They just bring the morale down. 4 km... 5km... IPPT CAT, had improved... but silver still...

Appointed Sect Comm the moment i booked in. Was deciding to slack while on the fastcraft there. Given the 3SG armband. Looks good though but nothing much. Kent appointed as LPS and Jackie as LSM. I thought after 3 days i can go back to being a normal guy in the platoon and slack once again. Hah... Maybe because i am just plain suay or the guy up there just want to play with me. Sometimes when you don't wish for anything much, you get all of them, and when you wish for something too hard, it doesn't come your way. Was late falling in to send arms. So i haven't attached my bayonet back to the gun and haven't took out the rifle sling. Then at that time the reporting of strength was already done so i ask the LPS for permission to adjust. Squatted down to settle the rifle and up came PC to "inform" me that i'm the next LPS. -_-" So here i am, just finished writing in the Leader Platoon Sergeant Book on the past 3 days.

Friends have told me that this is the best time to perform well. To let the PC take note of me. But i've sort of given up that sort of garung spirit. Don't know la. Shall just do what i need to do and hopefully don't sign any extras. I know i am capable of doing a good job, but i just don't feel like doing so. Oh and everyone out there... please help me pray really hard that i don't get appointed as the next LSM. I won't die, but the whole company will collapse.

Talked back to my PC. Cos i am the LPS. No one dares to speak up anyway. And since it was me who started the clapping thing during ET run. And that wasn't any bullshit. Earned some respect from the others and lost some. PC asked me go see him. Said it's my choice to use those words that afternoon. Said he shall not discuss about that. So i was kind of left hanging there. But i knew i was wrong too. Shouldn't had said that not everyone sang during the run because of the 2.4km we had the previous day. Haiz... we were all just tired la.

Left calf bothering me a little. Jaw hurting a little. Bunk mates said cos too heaty. Don't know la. They are just bothering me and i don't like it.

Did i say the management there sucks? Instructions were given by the PC for us to bathe after SOC and the whole platoon was given 15 minutes by the SGTs. 52 guys bathing in 15 mins... hahaha... hahahhahahaha...... hahahahhahah...

Oh yeah and did i say my section instructor sucks? Sucks not in the sense that he always scolds us or always pump us... but he can't teach... we aren't really learning as much as we should from him... he is like standing there... learning everything with us... most of us fear for our future tests...

And the instructors like doing things at the last minute. 10 minutes before booking out, Thomas, my section instructor brought down the sect comm book asked me to write the AAR for mon until wed. Then before that, he said he will show me another sample book so that i will keep to that format. So i ask him where is the sample book and he asked me to follow him into the platoon office to take. Then SGT Kelvin at that moment ask me to take down the names of people without a CV belt. Dear SGTs... i don't know any form of magic that will allow me to split myself. So i asked the sect comms to take down the names, but you know how friends are like...

"eh you never bring ar??"
"ya..."
"aiya nvm la... shhh don't let the sgt see you can liao.."
"...okok"

So back i went to see only one name given to me. Then SGT Kelvin came up and said those wearing SAF belt also not counted. So i ask who wearing SAF belt and 2 hands came up. Then they said they already told the sgt. So i went back to the sgt with one name and he started his unreasonable shit, that he already caught 4 guys and he wants all the name by sunday night. And guess what, CDI started to ask the whole coy to walk to the bus stop. So it's like wtf.

Incapable sect comms.
Dishonest people.
Unreasonable sergeants.

When friendship and integrity comes into play, which one do you choose?

Anyway late le... got to go... another week to go... just like what i told Chris...

"Each week, when i book in, i wait for the time to pass. Whether we are doing anything or not, i am just waiting for the time to pass. When night comes, i am happy because it is the end of one day. When i wake up the next morning, i just wait for the time to pass again."


Bookin' in,
Lah

Dear Blog,

With Pride We Lead...

Haha... more likely to be with pride we slack... haiz sispec ar sispec...

Saw so many people there... so so so many... Even Alvin Lin is there... that dude that sat next to me during sec 1 and 2 and can't stop falling asleep... Yihao is there also... my pri sch good friend... Eugene Fu is in ASLC now... haha that slacker... see him march also half-fuck one... Brian Ng... Mark aka Matthew's twin bro... Xian yong... and more than half of my platoon... and the system is a major screw up... first thing we reach there... they just ask us to sit in rows of 10... and we thought they already got the list as to who is in which section... but hell no... the ten in the row goes to one section and stay there for the rest of the BSLC... its like wtf... so swee meng, tiong, weilong, joseph, joshua, zihao, hongwei and junhao are left out of the platoon... they got into platoon 2 and 3... the rest got into platoon one... luckily i stuck with the rest of the guys... 7 in my bunk came from platoon 3 so the team spirit there is pretty good... but some were left in different sections on their own... its a pretty much screwed up system la... oh ya... now in Charlie... Platoon 1, section 2... bed one... sucky being bed one... cos u are the bunk ic... did the cover for the sect comm book just now... almost falling sick last night... but heard from lots of people Charlie is one of the better coy... pretty much welfare... from what i see not much difference la... just that the instructors are nice... they all slackers la... aiya conclusion is that everyone that is in sispec are half-fucks... instructions passed down all different... instructors who march with left hand left leg... instuctors doing horse kicks... and most of them signed on... my sect comm is this 19 year old N level guy who is a 3SGT and who can't teach us any nuts... and he can't run... the rank is there because he signed on... and joseph's tattoos are nothing compared to his... Kent and i were shaking our heads when he was helping us prepare for our standby beds... seriously i wonder why i bother trying so hard during bmt... i see half-fucks all over the place... they never even bother to try... and i see a lot of people who are capable leaders... like jiaxian, eugene, deneng, veerappan and jingzhong whose morale dropped like hell and were all so sian in sispec... the whole system is a major screw up la... it is so unfair... why isn't there equal chance given to us as compared to the last batch... just because they fill up ocs with too many people from the last batch... then they don't have enough space for my batch... hey SAF... u are missing out on some good leaders here manz... people who can lead but can only obtain a max rank of warrant officers and that is only if they sign on... yes 2IC got said before that SGTs are the most crucial people in the army and they are the backbone... and yes rank does not matter as long as you try hard enough and do your job well... yes... but have you thought of the disappointment and the though of being unfairly treated... its like cheating us... its just like yest's fastcraft timing being 515 and us waiting till 545 cos we have to let those Sgts who are booking out to go first...

Anyway, shall not think about that anymore... decided to slack thru BSLC... can't wait to get out of sispec... starhub's reception there sucks... got to climb all the way to 5th floor just to get reception... just post me out of there please... don't want to go ASLC though i seriously want to be an instructor in bmtc... don't know la... or maybe i should hope that the x-ray report for my leg can certify me as being unfit for training... then i can OOC... but then i've already come so far... why not finish BSLC first and get my corporal rank... then see how it goes from there... think i will get bored to death doing saikang also...

Things look good in the bunk... 4 top 10 from platoon 3 in the same bunk... people who are fit are good to work with... don't want to go through the period like bmt when you constantly fear that the section mates will lag behind, or fearing that they will shoot your ass during section battle movement... or having blur people who can't read hand signals... or slack people who refuse to run when we are running our hearts out... there are 4 new guys in the bunk... my section has 11 people... oh ya... jeff from vince's class is in my section... i like his hair sia... can't wait for my hair to grow longer... then this poly guy known as dennis and 2 more from platoon 2 last time... farand and de lai... de lai looks like a kangaroo in the spotlight... hahah... its damn funny when PWO said that and tried to imitate him... this PWO, Platoon warrant officer, same as a PS in BMT... he looks like wei xuan sia... talks like him also... super slack kind... and he looks like an owl... its damn funny la...

haiz... guess funny things like this help to get most of us through this period of time... can see everyone sian sian... but we still got to get through all these... all the jokes we can come up with... all the shit that we can do... oh yea... did some betting for euro 2004 in camp also... so i am pretty much updated with the scores... haha...

Done with signals. Theory test and voice procedure. Basically it was mostly lecture stuff for the past week. Had a 4km and 5km run. Legs hurt a little. Anyway, it's all quite different from bmt. Lots of hands on stuff here. We aren't there to train much, but to learn how to be a sect comm. Just make the most out of it i guess.

Need to go wrap some books and cut some straws. Weekend machiam like no weekend if i didn't ask chee wee to help me buy more stuff. Hope he can get my id tag as well.

Imagine every delta platoon 3 guy in sispec now end up in charlie platoon 1 filling up 3 sections... how fun that can get... machiam bmt 2nd round...


Yours,
Lah

Dear Blog,

I just realised something that shocked me a little.

I haven't dreamt in a long long long time. I can't remember when i last dreamt of something. Don't think i dreamt at all at tekong. Seriously don't know the reason. Think maybe it is due to fatigue, like when you are tired, you just don't have the energy to dream at all.


Yours,
Lah

Dear Blog,

This year really isn't a good year. How many times have i seen my friends fallen into a depression state, all because of the same issue.

I strongly believe that a relationship is between 2 persons, each doing his/her own part, and coming together to solve any problems, and not doing things out of resentment or vengeness when all else fail. If a relationship isn't strong enought and cannot withstand problems that naturally arises, then there isn't anything to start with in the first place.

So many different kinds of problems, big and small, but definitely solvable.



Anyway, had an enjoyable day yesterday. Went school check out the new batch of councillors. Went for a ride in aaron's red merc which was almost too big to get out of the school gate. =p Picked up Mr Tan's son at YMCA. Went town to meet my bros. Billard. Best bet. Then to Esplanade for Flipside, The Tiger Lillies. Haven't watched a performance in a long time. Great experience. Then to Yf's house. Portugal 1 Greece 2. In between. No luck. Worms. Damn fun. One by one pengz. Reached home at 7.

Packed my stuff for tmr already.



Was thinking about some stuff...

Do couples have to see each other so often? Do they need each other's attention constantly? Must they talk to each other every night?

Yes of course it is important. But... if it comes to a day when she is no longer yours, won't you feel very lost? Especially when you have been so dependent on her to be there for you everytime. Isn't is more practical to just have her in your heart, and not expect anything much? Isn't that all that matter? Both of you can be at different corners of the world, but i believe total trust and confidence can still be given.

Sometimes, your gf nags at you and tells you not to club so much. But she still go clubbing. Do you feel shortchanged? Do you go clubbing secretly and with the mentality that since she's doing it, why can't you? But if you say, it is because of her that you stop your clubbing habits, then you do not want to curb yourself anymore because she's doing it too, then well... i guess you have every right to do so.

Anyways, everyone handles their problems differently.

I flipped open my diary during my BMT, and on the first page, before i actually started writing, i had written "Always look on the bright side of things" on it. Then i remember, i was very afraid of being let down, being hurt and not able to fulfil my aims. Then i changed my mentality. I didn't expect anything from anyone. I was all solo.

That was my mistake.

It created a dent in my ablity to interact with others. No more of that anymore.

Told best friend not to think so much, but me myself still thinks too much. Haha...

Have fun and take care...


PS: SISPEC -- Suffer In Silence Plus Extra Confinement


Yours,
Lah =)

Dear Blog,

Some thoughts for today ...

Sispec...

Hearing that even Eugene, our universal soldier and platoon 2nd best, got posted into Sispec, is a real comfort for me. Practically everybody got posted there. Heard only Yew Song and Xiao Han got into OCS. Met fred just now. After hearing what he and Gary said, maybe it will be better for me to be in Sispec. Furthermore, i don't think i am good enough. But still i will give my best, and let fate decides.

Day After Tomorrow...

I was laughing throughout the show. It was damn damn super hilarious. Machiam a comedy. For a Geography student to take all that in, it was really ridiculous. I never ever imagine typhoons and tornadoes to form like that. It just makes all of Mr Low's teachings wrong.

Justin...

Saw him after that at orchard MRT. Took the same train back. Was talking. Didn't realise he does speak with a Malaysian accent. The Justin i knew back in O1 was playful, and i thought insensible. After talking to him, he strikes me as someone matured, but playful. He knows what he wants, and he does set out to achieve them. He has determination and will, and knows when to be serious. Well... doesn't that prove my point that every matured person has a childish side?

Car...

I swear that the more they fault me for minor and unnecessary mistakes, the more defiant i will get. The next time my cousin doesn't use the car, i will drive... Haven't been rebellious for a long time i realised. It seems we all became sensible and good after JC. No more paikia stuff. No more of the no mores.


Best friend: Thanks for the present. I really like it. And thanks for the letter too. Though it sounded a bit too formal for me. Haha... Nice quote there also... It is indeed true that true friends can just sit around and not do anything, and just feel totally comfortable with one another.

PS: I shall name tomorrow Brothers' Day. I can't remember the last time that all of us watch a movie together. And we are going to do that tomorrow! Haha...


Yours,
Lah

Dear Blog,

I am just not good enough.

When i asked PC for my ranking, even before he said anything, i've got a feeling it is around 8, 9 or 10. Maybe it is really around that. Anyway, it's good that i told myself to let fate decides.

Haha... think i will see lots of familiar faces back in Sispec. Lots of half-fu*k shit and i am one of them.

Like what i said yesterday, Tekong is so much like Azkaban. Drains all the life out of you. With all those "Dementors" around. I need to learn how to morph into an animal.

Yours,
Lah

Dear Blog,

When we all went in like that, excluding those that already knew one another, no one quite knows how the other person is like.

No one knows what the other person does outside. No one knows which guy got the best catch. No one knows who breakdance. No one knows who can sing. No one really knows who doesn't mix well with others, neither does anyone know what who mixes with what kind of people.

We all just went in like that. No strings or whatsoever, and just sleep there accepting one another as people who happen to be there. Any promises of further friendship depends on the people themselves. But other than that, nothing much.

There were attempts on developing any relationship possible, but who can actually promise or dare to say that 5 years down the road, he will still receive a call from that person. I think most of us treated that period of time as a passing phase in life.


Yours,
Lah

Dear Blog,

Staying at home and doing a few things this few days have made me realised that i badly need a rest. I feel so lethargic at times, and something positive is missing. I don't have the urge or desire to go back into the army life. I just want to slack around the whole day.

This isn't like me.

Feels like... i lost something... lost some spark... don't know...

Haiz oh well... this period sucks... think i need to get back to irc... talk some cock there... still remember last time it provided a lot of fun and joy for me...

I think i get it already. Like what ong bu says... failure gets you right down. The disappoinment... and the fear of repeated rejections... make you lose the energy in you. The enthusiasm... will just slowly diminish...

Still remember after every Sect Comm or PC interview, i will go jumping up the stairs full of life. The encouragement and the positive remarks they gave, it totally pumped life into me. The feeling of others accepting you, seeing you as someone capable makes you feel so great that you know you can tackle anything that comes your way.


Yours,
Lah

Dear Blog,

Things just gotten worse.

Haiz... angry... pissed... so fucking hell angry...

But whatever la k... no one can do anything about it also. It was a slip of concentration on my part. The next time i swear i am going to pray for good weather, a good test route and also a good tester. I can't believe there isn't any nice people around anymore. After coming back from tekong, from all those unreasonable sgts... people on mainland isn't any different. Don't they know what is being nice?

Life sucks... haven't said this in a long time... but yeah... this time it's serious...

I just want to get away from everything now... hide in some hole or something... hope no one finds me... if anyone is to find me also must be those nice ones... those ugly inhumane ones can go look into some other hole... no one understands...

Tmr when i go and send Qorrine off... then maybe i should get a ticket too... fly to some lonely island... get away from all this people who only know how to disappoint me...

I thought i had a change of luck... what with the application into uni getting through and with the PC's comment... i thought that if i get into ocs, i will be convinced that things indeed are changing...

I don't know anymore. Things aren't in my control.

Anyway... looking on the bright side... things can't get any worse than this...

Sorry to all the people that i pissed yesterday.

Yf... there's a shop in yishun and plus the shop in amk... that makes 2... not counting that one in bishan which might be still in business... oh and i got an extra game... can lend you because i've got the same game...

Yours,
Lah

Dear Blog,

Somehow, after losing that special thing, i have not much of desire for things that money can buy. I can give up all of what i have now, to have what i want most.

I have little need for material possession. I don't need them to be happy. I am a gemini. All that geminis need are people.

Block leave has its pros and cons. I can't see the people that i need to see. Lonesome will just kill me one of these days. I need to get into the crowd. Even just sitting there... hah... don't think i breathe on oxygen... more likely on people...


Weakling~

Yours,
Lah

Dear Blog,

If i become a sergeant/instructor, i will be very nice. I will help my recruits clean their bunk during area cleaning. I don't think i will pump them at all except maybe during 5BX. I am just going to be super nice.

Yours,
Lah

Dear Blog,

I didn't think i was capable of handling all that shit that came my way. No one expected me to anyway.

Now try taking all this shit in...

Listen to this and shut up will ya?

If i haven't god damn see through your colours, i would had been left dying in that shit hole of yours right now. You thought i didn't know yea? Hah... i tell you now you were wrong. All the fakeness and the plots to pull me down... i've enough of them. I heard of you long enough before i even know you. I tell you i had my guard up. All the four walls. Titanium coated. Even William Hung can't get in. But well... you crept through that shit hole and tried to get at me.

Well done... i still can't forget the image on your face when you got in and saw no one inside. And when you turn behind, i was there covering up your shit hole with your own shit. Now you can try to get out. Oh yeah you can try. And i can just watch. Yes i watch you with a careful eye.

The moment you get out, i am going to build another of those 4 walls structure. Then i am going to paste 4 charms on them. All to pin you down. And if that ain't enough, i will get at you myself. But that got to wait. A full moon is all i need. You wait until then. Then you will suffer. I advise you to get out before then. If you want it fair, i will throw you a jack knife. But that is all you will get. Maybe if you stick your head through that hole of yours and let me whack it once or twice, i will throw you another of those m16 i had back then.

If you manage to beat me, then i will worship you. But i assure you that it is impossible. But then, if you really do... then all these shit here... i will give them to you...


Yours,
Lah

Dear Blog,

This stupid boy here sometimes think for no reason. Think think and think until he got everything nicely thought out. Then when he reached home, he thinks that all that he thought of are very stupid. Only know how to cause headache for others. Then he tells himself to wake up his fucking idea and stop creating trouble for others. That is why this stupid boy here feels so stupid.

Harry Potter was nice. But because the show was made as much as possible to the story, it is impossible to expect an exact replica. Furthermore, a movie couldn't be 5 hours long. So many parts are skipped and altered. Those that haven't read the book will think the show is confusing. It is actually, kind of choppy. But all the main parts are covered, however it also made it seemed as though the director did a sloppy job. Conclusion... the show is a complement to the book...

Found the shop in bishan. But it was close. The opening hours was on the door and it should be open, but it ain't. Will check out the shop again.


Have you ever wonder what will happen if you actually meet some people earlier or later in life? Or that if you don't ever meet someone, how will you be like now?

Saw a guy yesterday at Toa Payoh MRT, wearing smart 4. So i looked at his arm. Sergeant Major. But then i thought he was kind of young. Then something at his shoulder caught my eye... NCC... dotz dotz dotz... CHEEEYYY~~


Yours,
Lah

Dear Blog,

Hey... =)

Well... am tired... but i want to blog...

POP... private now... just before the POP had an interview with PC... what he said... i don't dare to assume much... i don't want to think... but before i even tell myself that... i started thinking...

So since i started thinking... i might as well think of everything... it's really jinx... sometimes the things that i thought of... all of them happen... sometimes it's the other way round... so to make it fair i just think of them all...

I don't want to bring my hopes high... had enough bad experiences about high hopes... SISPEC here i come... when i log on this friday and see that i've been posted there... i will smile... and i will tell myself i will do my best there...

Hah... think i am too mental...

Surprisingly nothing much to say... have turned all quiet ever since i enlist... my EQ is running low... kept everything in my mind... but was really surprised i got a bit emotional during POP... treasure friends a lot... well... but i usually let fate decide things...

What Songbin said that day... it just made me all... matured... that guy's been through some stuff definitely... he just get me thinking... maybe i shouldn't think so much about everything else anymore... i should just concentrate in army... won't i be happier this way?



Why is it that i tend to set so high standards for myself? Because i know i can do it. But why do i have to expect others to perform up to my standards?

These 2 months... the moment i stepped there... i haven't been... me... Joseph is right... i am too solo... he can't see me helping anyone... whatever la... why should i care about what he says... he doesn't know me...

He thinks i am too selfish, no team spirit and anti social. I think i am just independent, capable and able to survive by myself.

Is it true that when you step off on a wrong foot, you can never revert back? Is it through that when you give up on a person, you can no longer love her? I started wrongly. And reverting to my real self only makes things worse because they will think i am putting on a front. So in every sense i am wrong. Then all i can do is to keep quiet.


Moving on... gathering at trina's place was great... especially when we haven't seen the girls in a while... sean grew thinner... he's like all bones now. =p Went Jiawei's house last night for gathering. Very nice atmosphere. His parents are super nice and i've got no idea why am i so paiseh. Then PS 2 all the way until 3 before coming home. Drove this morning, went school bump around, then lunch at PS. Bought my earphones.

Oh yea... A Level cert is ready for collection in school. Most probably going down tmr or Wed.

FFX until Djose. Can't get pass the 4 rally stages for Racing Evolution. GTA 3 is a crazy game. Totally chaotic. Winning Eleven 8 is out.


Spend some good time thinking about this ...

Imagine you and your friend... everytime you eat... you will dirty the side of you mouth... and everytime your friend will help clean them with his own sleeves... you know very well that your friend hates getting his shirt dirty... but you yourself hate cleaning your own mouth... so you just let him help you clean up... and this goes on... until one day... you dirtied your mouth... but your friend didn't do anything... ...

Are you disappointed? Do you feel let down?

I've got many people that i want to talk to. But i haven't had a decent conversation in a long time. Communication is going to break down anyway.


Lights Out,
Lah

Dear Blog,

It makes me wonder whether someone up there is playing with me. From my batch in BMT, i actually know of many people who are damn good as a recruit. Just met Victor Ma, my primary school classmate whom i was close to. Platoon best in Vincent's platoon. Then there's Iskandar. Platoon best in Hawk. Jingzhong and Junjie are outstanding in platoon 2 in Delta. Guan You platoon best. Then there are the old birds like Dennis and Khairi. Benedict was coy best during the previous batch, and now there is Yew Song. And further update from Ariel increases the list with Willy and Chun Rong and DARREN CHUA(that joker).



Oh man i suck. And after the update, i further suck more.



Anyway, i am tired. GP rehearsal can be tiring, and pretty comical too. The music coordinator quite lousy sia because most of the songs that are played are from starwars. We had to sing Stand Up For Singapore and the Infantry Song, and yeah, most of us can't sing. Others have got only 2 tickets, whereas me got 4~!! Haha... because i smart. So now mei can go as well. PC interview today. Don't know good or bad. Forgot to ask him for my ranking. Think i will ask him when i book in. Chee Wee's FFX doesn't work for me, so i guess i will go and get a new disc. Oh... and i hit 12 chin-ups today. Yay. =) Got my Silver IPPT badge. Sucks. Some people still dare to put them on.

Haiz... sian... i need some life...

Yours,
Lah