Friday, January 30, 2004

I've became very impatient. I used to be very proud of my patience. But what is real patience is the ability to wait for something that might not come. Patience is not waiting for a long time for something you know that will come.

Thursday, January 29, 2004

Argh shit... i hate it when people scratch the blackboard with their nails...
I want to get married to a mermaid.
SSDC is slowly becoming a place where i meet friends from all over. Saw Clarence Chan today... then saw Charlotte twice already... Alvan and Shiau Hui also...
The world is getting very bad... everyone is getting very sad... very pessimistic... they are all losing hope in people and friends around... so much unhappiness and so much anger...

So everyone should try to be happy as much as they can... because there is not much time to be happy...
Bird flu.

Chipped tooth.

Cut tongue.

Sore throat.
It seems that everything that i do is wrong.

Monday, January 26, 2004

Gemini

Describing the Twins as mercurial is right on the money, since Gemini is ruled by the Planet Mercury. Moving, restless, seeking, learning -- Gemini is constant motion, a torrent of wind which is in keeping with this sign's element of Air. The Twins are highly intellectual and won't hesitate to play mind games with a lover, mere child's play to them. They are also great communicators, so get ready to hear everything from pithy remarks to impassioned pleas. Inventive, quick-witted and fun, the Twins will jump around from one lover to the next until they find one who is almost as smart as they are and able to keep up in this high-spirited race. The reward for those who can lasso a Gemini is a free-spirited lover who shines at parties but is also a devil in the bedroom. Many Geminis are also ambidextrous. Ooh.

Gemini and Romance
A love affair with a Gemini requires great stamina, so start doing those push-ups now! The Twins are both fun and funny and love to laugh, play and romp. They are possessed of a very active mind, which can sometimes lead to a short attention span. The best way to keep the Twins around, and aroused, is through mental stimulation. A razor-sharp and imaginative lover is a godsend to the terrific Twins. This sign also values adventure and travel, so a certain footloose and fancy free-ness will help this romance bloom. The duality of the Twins allows them to see both sides of an issue, so in times of stress, they are much likelier to be a lover than a fighter. They will also feel especially connected to those who can help them feel, since they spend so much of their time thinking.

Gemini in Love
The game of love is a real adventure for the Twins, since the chase can seem so much more fun. The real question for Gemini is, can they find that one person who is a keeper and will keep them happy forever? If there are any doubts, the Twins will just keep on looking. When in love, Gemini can be a very caring and thoughtful partner, someone who will do somersaults to keep their lover happy. Often, though, the Twins find themselves adrift in the sea of love, feeling vulnerable and needing something, or someone, to fill a lonely void. For all the party chatter and intense brain waves, the Twins have a bit of a melancholy spot, and tenderness and affection can be the perfect antidote.

Gemini in Relationships
A union with Gemini is many things, but it is certainly never boring. The Twins, above all, seek a partner who is mentally stimulating, and once they've found them, sparks will definitely fly! The Twins' lover must be able to keep up in the fast-paced gamed of life, lest they get bored and move on. Variety of expression, a certain openness and a searching quality are all things which will stimulate the Twins and keep them around. Those born under this sign love to dazzle with their intelligence and quick wit and are consequently the star of any party. Jealous lovers will find themselves tested by Gemini's magnetism, and often it's the Twins themselves who are giving the test, to see if a lover is really true. The lover who can keep the Twins feeling comfortable yet give them space will win themselves a lover beyond compare. At the end of the day, the ideal Gemini soul mate has a Ph.D., and is a world traveler with countless tales to tell.

Gemini and Sex
The Twins aren't asking for much, just someone who will stimulate their mind for a great time. Of course, those mental hijinks need to have a bit of follow-through, so a lover with variety on their mind will score a perfect 10. That said, a quickie in the back seat of a fast car is just what the doctor ordered on some days. Face it, this sign is versatile! Most of all, though, sex is a mental sport for Gemini. The act begins in the head and works its way down and around. Gemini is always in search of the perfect lover and the perfect sexual experience. Once they (hopefully) find it, they will want, and give, stimulation to all the senses, for sight, sound and touch are all important. Bottom line: The Twins want something different and something complete. Not too much to ask, right?

What Gemini Needs
Someone who can roll with the punches and keep smiling in the face of a multi-faceted onslaught is priceless to the hyperactive Twins. It's an added plus if that person is smart, fun, a good friend and a great sport. Geminis need someone who can be attentive to them and who will naturally enjoy their sparkle and wit. They also prefer a strong partner who is not necessarily as smart as they are but who can pick them up, emotionally, when necessary. If the Twins can make a marvelous mental match, life will be a dream.

The Gemini lover is easygoing and caring, yet daring and a ball of fire at the right moments. Mental fireworks are high on their agenda, their own as well as those they can make with another. Only those with plenty of punch need apply for this celestial light show!

Traditional
Gemini traits

Adaptable and versatile
Communicative and witty
Intellectual and eloquent
Youthful and lively


On the dark side....

Nervous and tense
Superficial and inconsistent
Cunning and inquisitive

Gemini

Gemini is the third Sign of the Zodiac, and those born under this Sign will be quick to tell you all about it. That's because they love to talk! It's not just idle chatter with these folks, either. The driving force behind a Gemini's conversation is their mind. The Gemini-born are intellectually inclined, forever probing people and places in search of information. The more information a Gemini collects, the better. Sharing that information later on with those they love is also a lot of fun, for Geminis are supremely interested in developing their relationships. Dalliances with these folks are always enjoyable, since Geminis are bright, quick-witted and the proverbial life of the party. Even though their intellectual minds can rationalize forever and a day, Geminis also have a surplus of imagination waiting to be tapped. Can a Gemini be boring? Never!

Since Geminis are a mix of the yin and the yang, they are represented perfectly by the Twins. The Gemini-born can easily see both sides of an issue, a wonderfully practical quality. Less practical is the fact that you're not sure which Twin will show up half the time. Geminis may not know who's showing up either, which can prompt others to consider them fickle and restless.

They can be wishy-washy, too, changing their mood on a simple whim. It's this characteristic which readily suggests the Mutable Quality assigned to this Sign. Mutable folks are flexible and go with the flow. Further, the Twins are adaptable and dexterous and can tackle many things at once. It's a good thing, too, when you consider their myriad interests. The downside of such a curious mind, however, can be a lack of follow-through. How much can any one person do, anyway?

Gemini, the sign of the Twins, is dual-natured, elusive, complex and contradictory. On the one hand it produces the virtue of versatility, and on the other the vices of two-facedness and flightiness. The sign is linked with Mercury, the planet of childhood and youth, and its subjects tend to have the graces and faults of the young. When they are good, they are very attractive; when they are bad they are more the worse for being the charmers they are. Like children they are lively, and happy, if circumstances are right for them, or egocentric, imaginative and restless. They take up new activities enthusiastically but lack application, constantly needing new interests, flitting from project to project as apparently purposelessly as a butterfly dancing from flower to flower. To them life is a game which must always be full of fresh moves and continuous entertainment, free of labor and routine. Changing horses in the middle of the stream is another small quirk in the Gemini personality which makes decision making, and sticking to a decision, particularly hard for them.

Since they lack the quality of conscientiousness, they are apt to fight a losing battle in any attempts they make to be moral (in the widest sense of the word). Their good qualities are attractive and come easily to them. They are affectionate, courteous, kind, generous, and thoughtful towards the poor and suffering - provided none of the activities resulting from expressing these traits interferes too greatly with their own lives and comforts. They quickly learn to use their outward attractiveness to gain their own ends, and when striving for these they will use any weapon in their armory - unscrupulous lying, and cunning evasiveness; escaping blame by contriving to put it on other people, wrapped up in all the charm they can turn on. In their better moments they may strive to be honest and straightforward, but self-interest is almost always the victor. If things go against them, they sulk like children. Also like children, they demand attention, admiration, and the spending on them of time, energy and money, throwing tantrums if they don't get what they want. They reflect every change in their surroundings, like chameleons, and can become pessimistic, sullen, peevish and materialistically self-centered if circumstances force them to struggle in any way. If the conditions of life become really adverse, their strength of will may desert them entirely. They can become uncertain of themselves, either withdrawn, or nervously excitable worriers, sullenly discontented, hard and irritable, with "Self" looming ever larger in their struggles. On the other hand their versatility can make them very adaptable, adjusting themselves to control the world around them by means of their inherent ingenuity and cleverness.

Most Gemini have a keen, intuitive, sometimes brilliant intelligence and they love cerebral challenges. But their concentration, though intense for a while, does not last. Their mental agility and energy give them a voracious appetite for knowledge from youth onward, though they dislike the labor of learning. They easily grasp almost everything requiring intelligence and mental dexterity, and are often able to marry manual skills to their qualities of mind. Their intellect is strongly analytical and sometimes gives them so great an ability to see both sides of a question that they vacillate and find it hard to make decisions. But their intelligence may very well be used to control and unify the duality of their natures into a most efficient unit. If faced with difficulties, they have little determination to worry at a problem until they find a solution - they will pick the brains of others. In their intellectual pursuits, as in other departments of their lives, they risk becoming dilettantes, losing themselves in too many projects which they follow until they become difficult.

In love they are fickle, not intentionally so but because of the basic inconsistency of their emotional nature, which has an amoral aspect to it. Their is a side to Geminians which can become deeply involved emotionally, and another, hostile to sentimentality, which stands back from a romantic situation, laughing at it and the protagonists in it, including themselves while analyzing it intellectually. Gemini subjects take nothing seriously. So, in love, in spite of their temporary depth of feeling, for the intensity of involvement lasts only while it is new, they are superficial, light-hearted, cool, flirtatious and unimaginative in the understanding of the pain they may give others. They like intrigue, the excitement of the chase, but once they have caught the prey, they lose interest and look around for the next creature to pursue. In less serious situations they make witty, entertaining companions, good acquaintances rather than friends. Even at their worst they are never dull - there is usually playfulness below the surface, and they can be brilliant conversationalists - but they can also be quarrelsome, prattlers, boasters, liars and cheats.

Geminians can be successful in many walks of life though their general characteristics tend to make them unreliable. They are often skilled manipulators of language, in speech and writing, and may be: debaters, diplomats (though in politics they are more interested in theory than practice), orators, preachers (brilliant rather than profound), teachers, authors, poets, journalists, or lawyers. In business any work which combines quick-wittedness with a change of surroundings suits them; working as a traveling salesperson, brokerage work, or dealing with the public in any capacity is right up their alley. Because they are dispassionate, logical, rational and analytical they make good scientists, especially in the fields of medicine and astronomy. They can also make excellent members of the Armed Forces, for they take danger no more seriously than anything else and can earn themselves a reputation for devotion to duty and heroic acts. In the arts they may excel in music, painting and sculpture. They make good psychic researchers of a sceptical kind. Negatively they can degenerate into confidence tricksters, thieves and even adepts in the black arts.

Possible Health Concerns...

Gemini rules the arms, shoulders, hands, lungs and nervous system and its subjects need to beware of diseases and accidents associated with the upper part of the body, as well as nervous and pulmonary disorders such as catarrh and bronchitis. Their mercurial nature may also affect a constitution which is not strong if it is put under strain.

You are prone to taking unnecessary risks and wind up harming yourself or others in the process. Sometimes pursuing pleasure too vigorously could also qualify as risk taking.




LIKES
Talking
Novelty and the unusual
Variety in life
Multiple projects all going at once
Reading

DISLIKES
Feeling tied down
Learning, such as school
Being in a rut
Mental inaction
Being alone




PROBLEMS THAT MAY ARISE FOR YOU, AND THEIR SOLUTIONS



As with all sun signs, we all have unique traits to our personalities. When these traits are suppressed, or unrealized, problems will arise. However, with astrology we can examine the problem and assess the proper solution based on the sun sign characteristics. As a Gemini you may see things below that really strike home. Try the solution, you most likely will be amazed at the results. If you find yourself on the receiving end of the negatives below, it is because you are failing to express the positive.

PROBLEM: Being superficial could be a big problem for you in your overall relationships with others and also in getting ahead on many jobs where you must endeavor to dig deep and learn something thoroughly. This is the worst Gemini trait of all.
SOLUTION: To make a conscious effort to control this trait is the best approach to take to this problem. If you make a commitment to something or someone you should mentally force yourself to keep that commitment where possible. This will be hard but it can, and has been, accomplished by many under this sign.

PROBLEM: Not one who cares for peace and quiet, you create your own problems with loved ones by picking arguments or tale carrying from one to the other then stand back and enjoy the show.
SOLUTION: While this may relieve your boredom, it is something that you should not let happen as it could easily go out of control and cost you the love and companionship that you desire. When you feel like doing this it would be better to take a long walk and let the feelings pass.

PROBLEM: Boredom is one of your biggest problems and you could easily fall into mischief if you do not find ways to alleviate it.
SOLUTION: You have a great many creative talents and if you put these to work for you in some sort of hobby or project you will find you do not have time to be bored, also, other physical activities should be considered: workouts at the gym, racketball, hiking, etc..

PROBLEM: You could have health problems brought on by overindulgence of food, drink, or the night life which only gets worse as you age.
SOLUTION: Tame your urges and save the party times for weekends only and then try not to overdo it. By keeping everything down to a mild roar you may not have to fight off diseases such as obesity or cirrhosis of the liver.

PROBLEM: You may have the problem of not being able to keep a spouse or a lover due to your pursuit of the opposite sex.
SOLUTION: Cultivate the habit of not flirting with every attractive person you see and make up your mind to be a true and loving spouse, or don't commit until you are really ready to do this
Hee... feels like typing so i shall type...

Today is the 5th day of CNY liao... the past 4 days had been great... though i must say they past by quite fast... was quite surprised yesterday that today mon liao... ya anyway... wed... went back to cj then to cathigh... sorry to the j2s that i did not stay around... cathigh is in a mess now... everything... haiz... then went town... then home... reunion dinner at thomson there until about 8 then we rushed off to furama hotel for another reunion dinner, with my mother's side... but we weren't eating much there anyway... oh ya saw the vball capt in the toilet... it was damn funny... he's damn yandao now... haha...

erm then CNY day 1 same thing every year loh... but this year met more people i think... and what is wrong with everyone... not say never see me last year... but everytime someone sees me... it goes "wah so tall already ar... long time never see..." eh hello...i was this tall last year... and my dad will go "ya he's enlisting at the end of march..." whatever to that... then everyone came to my house... daniel's gf came as well...it got me thinking a bit but anyway after that i hanged around... played in between and blackjack... played a few rounds of mahjong... then went out... watched magic kitchen...

CNY day 2 was all home... not all la... just that never go around visiting... done all that on day 1... something happened at home la... sad and angry stuff... then i went out... went eunice's house... host wasn't home and that was cool... played GB and ordered hell lot of food... ate and watched tv... then she came back with bf... went bukit timah plaza played pool... took cab home... 18 bucks...

CNY day 3... went town... bought shirt and chips... went cheryl's house with khairi... had buaya talk with him on the bus... then had lots of fun... eat and talk and then mahjong... then they played xbox... if only i could stick around longer... haha... went shuz house with yf... tried her tom yam beehoon... a bit spicy... but its nice... really... haha... good talking to them... kind of made my mind up also... then went yf's house play mahjong... the home ground advantage thing is losing its effect... haha... then it was damn dunno what... everytime i throw is myself... haha... took cab home... 15 bucks...

aiya overall it was great la... collected a lot of angpow... hehe... if the days past so fast... means i am really enjoying them...

Had driving today... saw charlotte there too... did my 1st U-turn... but everything's going well...

Sunday, January 25, 2004

Taking things in my stride and learning from my mistakes...

Thursday, January 22, 2004

At the apple tree... i found new hope... i looked back at the path where i walked and flowers had bloomed there...

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

Envy
You are Envy!
Wow... what a dreamer. Always wanting what you
can't have, and always dreaming of having more
then you do. It's not the worst sin, and we're
all guilty of it - but you take it to the
extreme! You are prone to depression, often
from things you can't obtain. Be a bit more
positive, you have a lot that others want too -
so don't sit there being all green! On the
positive side, you tend to be a smart person -
and can often achieve the goals you set
yourself.
Congratulations on being the overall harmless, and
pretty normal one of the 7 deadly sins :)


?? Which Of The Seven Deadly Sins Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla
Didn't realise tmr is wed already... should be going back to cj and cathigh... but aiya... so many things... and my mind is like at a standstill now... only active at things that i am interested in... so many commitments... yet things i want to do but not getting anything back in return... so tired... so little time... so little concentration... i just want to have fun... just have lots of fun... and to be happy... and... free myself from so many things...

I look back at life in primary school and secondary school... go school... play, play, play... do easy homework... eat... talk, talk, play, pay attention in class... go home... play game... study and do homework... watch tv... sleep... play... kick soccer... talk cock... laugh and laugh and cheat in tests... go for cca... play... sleep... eat... talk on irc... cs...

Peepz... have fun manz... life is short...
Yesterday was in the car when it rained tigers and german shepherds... the headlights were on... the wiper was at its faster... and i still cant see nuts... driving at 40km/h will simply make water splash up as if you are surfing in the ocean...
That red polo tee is my unlucky charm... everything that is bad happened when i wore it...

I just received my FTT results... failed... and i wore that shirt that day...

But i really like that shirt a lot... haiz... shall stay away from it for as long as i can... perhaps until the suayness has diminished...
Yup... roughly finished writing the ten chapters that i wanted... not much else to write... had printed them... not proud of it actually... would have prefer not to let anyone see it...

Monday, January 19, 2004

Hope that he will help me...

CNY coming soon... yay... can get lots of angpow... then can have lots of fun also...

Saturday, January 17, 2004

"Some of the worst things that have been done by humanity have been (and are still being) done by those who have been absolutely sure they were absolutely right. We need only look back to the K.K.K., Adolf Hitler and the current chief-of-state in Yugoslavia, Milosovic, to see dramatic examples of this."

I had been absolutely sure that i was absolutely right.
I am starting to believe.

All went well when i believe.

It started turning bad when i did not.

Now thinking back i realise how things were.

Do not tell me... oh manz...
Heaven knows

She's always on my mind
From the time I wake up 'til I close my eyes
She's everywhere I go
She's all I know

And though she's so far away
It just keeps gettin' stronger everyday
And even now she's gone
I'm still holding on
So tell me where do I start
'Cause it's breaking my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Maybe my love will come back some day
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
'Cause heaven knows

My friends keep tellin' me
That if you really love her
You've gotta set her free
And if she returns in kind
I'll know she's mine
So tell me where do I start
'Cause it's breakin' my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Maybe my love will come back some day
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
'Cause heaven knows

Why I live in despair
'Cause wide awake or dreaming
I know she's never there
And all this time I act so brave
I'm shaking inside
Why does it hurt me so

Maybe my love will come back some day
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray

Maybe my love will come back some day
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
'Cause heaven knows
Heaven knows
Heaven knows
Bizarre Love Triangle

Every time i think of you
I get a shot right through with a bolt of blue
It's no problem of mine but it's a problem I find
Living a life that I can't leave behind
There's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of a fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes
And it's what nobody knows
And every day my confusion grows
Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say

I feel fine and I feel good
I'm feeling like I never should
Whenever I get this way, I just don't know what to say
Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday
I'm not sure what this could mean
I don't think you're what you seem
I do admit to myself
That if I hurt someone else
Then I'll never see just what we're meant to be

Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say


Only Hope

There's a song that's inside of my soul.
It's the one that I've tried to write over, and over again.
I'm awake in the infinite cold.
But you sing to me over, and over, and over again.

Chorus:
So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray.
To be only yours I pray.
To be only yours.
I know now, you're my only hope.

Sing to me the song of the stars.
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing, and laughing again.
When it feels like my dreams are so far.
Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again.

Chorus:
So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray.
To be only yours I pray.
To be only yours.
I know now, you're my only hope.

I give you my destiny.
I'm givin' you all of me.
I want your symphony, singing in all that I am.

At the top of my lungs, I'm givin' it back.

Chorus:
So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hand and pray.
To be only yours I pray.
To be only yours I pray.
To be only yours.
I know now, you're my only hope.
yeah...i worked for 1 day... and my mum had to pay me 400 bucks... can you dig that?
I heard Amazed a very very long time back. A very long time back. Then now... how amazing...

Friday, January 16, 2004

Regain back a bit of my identity. Finished chapter 7 just now. Went to play lan in the just now. It was great. Drove around amk today. Went around St. Nicks also. Bought a phone.

In a very null mood.

Thursday, January 15, 2004

I am identity-less now...
Driving isn't that hard afterall...

Monday, January 12, 2004

Yes yes... i missed out on a lot of people down there... but i know that all of you know how i feel... yes just feel it through your heart... ahhh...

Sunday, January 11, 2004

Something for everyone to take note and ponder about.

Ever felt so paranoid of losing someone that you just hold on to them even tighter? Do you keep on calling that special one every 30 mins to find out where he/she is at and what he/she is doing? If you do i think you better stop. You will lose them faster like this.

To control too much is to lose control. To hold on too much is to lose everything.

Remember... space... freedom... no one likes to be ordered and caged up.
Haven't really had the time to say thanks to people. Didn't see the need to because i thought they should be able to feel it, maybe i'm wrong. I guess i am always wrong. So here goes...

To the people in 28th SC...

You have been a great bunch of people to me. Great. Totally awesome. Who am i to look for after school, but you all. Who am i to throw my shit onto but you all. This wont be in order of merit or whatsoever... just whoever that comes to me...

Dennis: Thank you. Thanks for everything.

Ariel: Had so much fun and shit with you. Respect and admire you. Thanks.

Gary: Guess we will be the 2 who will be shouting and screaming the loudest at 1st to get everyone started. Love your enthusiasm. Thanks.

Kenneth: A lot of things to say, but ya... guess u know... Thank you for everything.

Khairi: Kind of like on off on off for us... perhaps off when u were with becky... knew u a long time back... Thank you.

Sean: Thanks for being such an idiot so that i wont look so much like an idiot... haha joke joke... Thanks for all the laughter i get from you.

Yihan: Can't say i know you very well... but had lots of fun... sometimes crazy... but they were all great. Thank you for being another ex-cathigh in sc. hah.

Trina: Jie... thanks for your everything.

Minsi: I admire your tolerance and you have been one of the most open-minded girls around. Thanks for being there.

Michelle: You are really someone that is fitted with energizer battery. Always with so much life that i am sort of influenced. Thank you.

Cheryl: You are one hell of a great blonde. Thanks for everything.

Nicole: Nic... lots of things to say as well... but ya... Thank you.

Edmond: There's this sensible and focused side of yours that i always admire. Thank you for the times when you were around. They were great.

Candice: Dice jie... your style and character is something only i think you possess. I admire them and you are really unique. Thanks for everything.

Fel: My 1st 3 months classmate. Thanks for always showing concern.

To the rest: you guys are great... have always guided me and show me who i am... thanks for the experience... i wont forget you if i see you on the road.

Yup... that is about it... all the words come from the bottom of my heart... after what had happened... i really mean what i say... you people are great... if i am to think back at all the times and the things that we have done and gone through... i guess i will just cry... haha... i thank all of you for being there... to show me care and love... and to always clear my shit...
Went out with the guys yesterday. Went to suntec to have dinner. Took a hell of a time to decide on what to eat. Then had buffet. It was good la. Then went to a pub to watch soccer. But i left halfway because i was feeling sick.
That day i drove all the way to thomson... it was great... though at one time i thought i was going to kill a bird on the road, which kind of made me didn't see the red light.
Whoa... 1st time i see my d/ling speed reaches 150kb/sec...
I've started on this project. Kind of like a fulfilment to my writing ambition.

Saturday, January 10, 2004

Haha... guess what... every songs that i have are love songs...

Anyway... i will get well... i will come back stronger... and you dudes better be prepared for a more FOS LAH~!!! hahaha...

Friday, January 09, 2004

Everytime when i listen to Bizarre Love Triangle... everything just floods back...
Today is the 9th of Jan already... oh my... it just seems like a few days ago when i went to alexius house on the 31st...
You said it's impossible.

I still cannot come to terms with that.
Why can't i breathe whenever i think of you?
I... nvm..............

That night... when my lights are off... just like ah du's "bi shang yan jing jiu shi tian hei..." it was torturous... i was... almost as if underwater... there was no breathing... almost... ever imagine how it will feel like if you get those big black metal clips and put them at both ends of your heart?

I hate the idea of committing suicide. I look down on the people who actually think of that. I call them selfish and stupid. But... hey if you are like me... well... i hope from now onwards you can lessen that view of yours... because... you will never understand why until you felt it...
We will hook each other's fingers... and i will feel so proud beside her...
We went out that day and she was stunning... everyone walking past us were looking...
She came that day to help me dye my hair... it didn't quite turn out blue...
I sneaked into her house the other time when her parents were away. Think her grandfather saw me so she had to tell her parents that i am a butch.
Everytime on the bus... i will usually sit on the left side... and she will put her arms around mine and lie on my shoulder... and i will smell her hair...
I don't quite remember the times when she lost her wallet. There was once at cine food court, luckily the auntie found it and we got it back. There was the other time at seoul garden. We went back and it was still there. The other time was on bus 132, we went back to the terminal and it was there.
Everytime we go to a fastfood restaurant... i will help her buy her food... and i will take 2 straws for her...
She will come to my house... and we will just watch cartoons... and make out after awhile... sometimes we will fall asleep...
We will walk around... then everytime we see the big head pooh bear... we will burst out laughing...
She didn't dare to fight for her own rights.

I fought for mine.

But my rights were wrong.
Watched "Love me if you dare" yesterday. It is... everything. If only she has the character of the girl.
Every morning, i wake up to feel so empty. The house is so empty in the morning. There isn't a single sound. The only thing i can do is to play these songs loudly... until they echo throughout the whole house. At least i won't feel lonely like that. The songs will go on and on, and some of them are... haiz... really bad... I guess i won't ever have the chance to learn how to work the MD again. These are perhaps the only stuff left.
This song... it is everything... every single word reflects everything in my heart...

"I don't wanna fall in love" - Tonya Mitchell

Who needs to feel that way
Who needs those words to say
Who wants to give their heart
To watch love fade away
Cause I made up my mind
I didn't want to know
Why should I find a love that isn't here to stay

I wasn't waiting until you came along
And now I need you to tell me
Where my heart belongs


But I don't wanna fall in love
Till I fall in love with you
And you show me what my heart already knew
I don't want to fall in love
Till I know the love is true
Cause I need you to feel the way I do
When I give my heart to you


I've seen the tears they cry
When it's time for goodbye
I didn't wanna be the one who's asking why


I didn't think that I would ever feel so strong
But now I know that I was wrong


But I don't wanna fall in love
Till I fall in love with you
And you show me what my heart already knew
I don't want to fall in love
Till I know the love is true
Cause I need you to feel the way I do
When I give my heart to you


Now I believe it's worth the chance
To find a love to last
For all my life
Give me a sign so I
Will always know this love is right


But I don't wanna fall in love
Till I fall in love with you
And you show me what my heart already knew
I don't want to fall in love
Till I know the love is true
Cause I need you to feel the way I do
When I give my heart to you

Sunday, January 04, 2004

I wont say i'm fine... typed out some stuff... printed them out... my only hope now... but i got to wait for sometime first...

Thursday, January 01, 2004

I woke up at 2 plus today. Mum and sis were not at home. Don't know where they had gone to. Its 2004 already. Dennis came yesterday to meet us. He got a very nice round head. There's something stuck down there... at the spot where ur chest is... but it is nearer to the heart. It is like drubbing... like a motor... sometimes more felt... sometimes lesser... but its making me uncomfortable. I've thought about lots of things. So many things. Life gets so boring and draggy when you just wake up, eat, sleep, face your problems, eat, slp, wake up and found yourself with burdens and problems. You just start thinking why are you living for so long. You just wonder why humans must live for 70 odd years. I've lose hope in some people when i expect too much from them. Not only that, when they disappoint me, it just proves i am not good enough. And no one is caring about me.

You know why? I don't know why. Maybe because i am a full of shit guy. I am there just for the sake of it. No one notices when i am not around. I just provide extra entertainment. Perhaps it could be that i am tired of who i am. I should just change to someone else. Someone whom i was long time ago. I wasn't quite similar. I fought then... i stole... i even thought out plans on how to cheat. I am so sissy now. I think i realised my mistakes. But that sure came with lots of other problems.

You know what i will say? i will say fuck to the world. Because i am tired. I expect too much. I expect to fly. I expect this i expect that. But the expectations are not fulfilled. A perfectionist cannot afford to be discouraged. He will die and he will just die again. I am a lazy prick. Why do i need to look for a job? Because i need to waste time. How much am i worth a person manz? I only know how to sleep.

Who am i to tell when i am problems? The person whom i am supposed to share my problems with is my problem. How can i share my problem with the problem itself? Especially when the problem doesn't want to be solved. I bought a mcpepper meal yesterday and i realised how much i love the pepper taste. But my throat has not been good lately. I am very selfish also. I expect to get back what i give. I cannot give without expecting something back. If i give willingly, you make sure you give back something willingly also, and not for the sake of it.

I can be your best friend. I can be anyone's best friend. Or rather i should say that was in the past. Now these "best friends" disappoint me that i can't confirm i can be your best friend. I am really tired. Haha... oh well... all i can say is that relationships are tiring affairs. Relationships with your parents can be tiring, relationships with your friends can be tiring too. All these ties... i don't quite like... but I CANNOT DO WITHOUT. WTF. Oh how ironnnnnnnnic. How old actually am i?? I don't know. Does an 18 year old think like that?

So how do i actually sound here? Do i sound comical? I hope i don't because i want to sound depressed. But has anyone heard of me being depressed? If i succeed then good la... tell me hor then at least i will be happy. I miss Hongkong a lot. There's porn everywhere over there. Sorry i digress. But i think porn is something very exciting. Don't you think so? But porn is bad.

How i wish i am in NS now. Hair shaved and everything. Maybe in delta since dennis said it is good. Pray hard i don't get into foxtrot. How i wish i've also got my licence now. I hate hassle. I hate people who create more hassle. I hate having need to sleep. Why can't i go on and on non stop? Why can't i jump on a policeman's back? Why is our society so competitive? Why is it so conservative? Why can't we fuck around?

Why am i not rich? That day the teacher asked me what is my dream car. I said any normal kind will do. Oh do you know that a car has 6 wheels? 4 on the ground with 1 spare one and 1 steering wheel. Cool right? I thought only buses have 6 wheels. I haven't had any really exciting thing lately, except trying to fuck someone. Haha... i am such a gemini.

Do you people know what is a gemini? A gemini is me. A gemini talks about many things at the same time. A gemini cannot focus on a single thing for a long time. A gemini writes in many short paragraphs. A gemini needs variety in life. It was once said, if you have a relationship with a gemini and its successful, you can have a relationship with any other horoscope. Hard to believe right? But i think it is true. Then that means that if both sides are geminis, it will be a win win situation if it is successful.

Some people can get quite stupid. It just leaves me speechless or laughing really loudly. I was stupid just now too. I landed at where it would be perfect for him to bunge me. And i just shouted "OH SHIT". SARS is back... it is so scary... i wonder how it will be like if i get SARS. Maybe it can be a way to test my immune system and my determination. From today onwards i have to use adult fare for public transport. I am tired already. I just been to Guangzhou leh... got SARS there.

Minsi just called. She's a very funny girl. I want to eat ramen.
It is so amazing what people can do for love.

This word "love" has been around for sometime now. A few years. It is interesting how it just seeps into somewhere that you don't take notice of it for sometime when it is around and then notice it when it isn't. The fact that love is something that cannot be explained continues to be the fact that there will never be an answer on why i love you.

They never call me... those dudes... haiz... time to go look for a new one...
You know i don't like it, yet you do it.

I know you don't like it, so i don't do it. Or maybe not now...
I remember back then... i had more female friends. I sort of... erm... gave them up. Why? Because i wanted to make people happy. It isn't so like me now. I am like kind of... curbed. It was so different back then.

Why did it change so much?

I think one of the answers is because i believe giving them up would mean more happiness to me. You know... the thing i am exchanging for will be better. However, what if... the thing i am exchanging for isn't much better?
I feel like trying my luck. Just trying... and seeing how far can i go. If i go too far, then shoot me.
Yest's party at alex's house was nice. Saw some people that i haven't seen for sometime. If only everyone had came, it would be fantastic. We drank and played, and the mee goreng was nice even at 3am. Haha... we played crazy winning eleven 7 and it was damn cock... really manz... damn funny... then slept for awhile before waking up and going up to alex's room to talk.

Watching the xmas play brought back a very satisfying feeling. My class is really fabulous. The amount of talents that we all possessed... i think it does make ms nathan really proud. Plus the excellent effort of the play in contrast to this year's, whew... we were good manz... and i mean everyone was good... the dancing was good... the acting was good... it just comes so naturally that at parts when we didn't mean to be funny, but had no choice turn out better than if it hadn't be funny. It was good la.
Dragonboating was nice. But i swear you must have a power upper body manz, and you must also have a super tanned body. If not you will feel the ache after an hour out there plus the pain on your skin after like 8 hours. Hope it will be a success during O1.
I need to blog to let out something that is inside of me right now. The feeling is not very nice and perhaps this just sums up how true what people say about love can get.

I am not going to care so much now. Going to revert back to that old "berattitude". That will be the best i guess, and i will not starve myself of any personal fulfilment or mischief.